Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Ist Verboten!


Verborum ac Notionum ac Hominum et Ceterorum Index Prohibitorum:



Abortion
Abuse, especially of children, women, the elderly, and the liturgy
Access
Active participation
Activism
Activist judges
Adele
Adolf von Harnack
Adultery
Advertising
Affirmation
Affirmative action
“Afrocentric” names (e.g. Kenitha, Bunifa, Latifah, Halifah, Sharifa, Jamal, Oranjello, Lemonjello, Jerome, Tyrone, Tyrell, Femalee, Donté etc.)
Agribusiness
Alberto Cutié, a.k.a. “Fr. Oprah”
All you can eat buffets
America, United States of
American “culture”
American “history”
American “literature”
Androphobia
Angela Merkel
Animal rights’ activists
Anne Rice
Anthrax
The Anti-Defamation League
Antipopes
Apostasy
The Arab Spring
Archbishop Bugnini
Artificial anything
Aspartame
Assemblies instead of Congregations
Assisi Conferences
Asymmetrical haircuts
Atheists who (wrongly) think they’re happy
Attorneys
Austrian School of Economics
Autocephaly

Bailouts
Banks
The Beatles
Benjamin Spock
Bill Gates
Birth control
Bishops’ conferences, usually
Bishopesses
Blasphemy
Bob Marley
Bongo drums
Boob jobs
“Born-again” “Christians”
Bowling
Boy bands
Broadway musicals
The Brooklyn Bridge
Bulletin boards
Bullying
Bumper stickers

Cable News Network (CNN)
Californians (but not California)
Capitalism [Tancred notes: This ill-defined term is of great moment for many in the public sector who wish for a Utopian dream world.]
Cardinal Kaspar
Cardinal Law
Cardinal Mahoney
Cartoons
Catullus
Celine Dion
Charismatic Movement
Charles Curran
Che Guevara
Cheap booze
Cheez Whiz
Chicago cronyism
Chick tracts
Child actors
Christopher West
Chuck E. Cheese’s
Cigarettes (pipes and cigars are ok, for men)
Civil rights
Climate change
Clowns
Co-ed anything
Collegeville
Committees
Communion in the hand
Communism
Concelebration
Concubinage
Conspiracies
“Contemporary” “English”
Contraception
Conventions
Converse All Stars
Cool Whip
Corporatism
Country “music”
“Courtship” instead of “dating”
Cravats
Crystals

Dan Brown novels
David Cameron
David Haas
Debates
Decimal Currency
Delilah Rene (that stupid bitch on the radio)
Democracy
The Democratic Party
Demonstrations
Denim
Descriptive Grammar
Desecration
Dialogue
Dick and Jane Method
Disobedient children
Dissent
Diversity
Divination
Divorce
Dog Shit
Drag Shows
Dreadlocks, at least on white people
Drug Abuse Resistance Education
Dual Covenant Theology
Dungeons and Dragons

Eagles Wings
Ear wax
Ebonics
École Normale Supérieure
Ecumenism
Egalitarianism
Elections
Elvis Impersonators
Environment and Art in Catholic Worship
Equality
Error
Eucharistic Prayers, newly composed
The Euro
The European Union
Ex-priests
Extraordinary ministers of Holy Communion

Fast food
Fat people
Febreze
Female clergy
Feminism
Folk music in church
Fornication
Fox News
Fraternities (but not the Fraternity)
Free-verse poetry, Elliot excepted
The French Revolution
Free Masonry
Free-standing altars in Western churches
Free trade
Freedom
French police in riot gear
Fundraisers

Gambling
Gas-guzzling SUVs
Gather Us In
Gay marriage
Gay sex
Gender balance
Gender identity
Gender studies
General intercessions
Global warming
Golf
Good Friday Prayer for the Jews, 1970
Gossip columnists
Government statistics
Graduate Record Examinations
Greek life
The Gregorian Institute of America
Guitars
Gynarchy
Gynergy

Haikus
Hamburger Helper
Hans Küng
Harley Davidsons
Harvard University
Health insurance companies
Hedonism
Here I am, Lord
Heresy
Heterodoxy
High school bands
Hip-hop
Hipsters
Historical critical method
Hitler
Hollywood
Homeopathy
Homilies instead of Sermons
Horoscopes
(For women:) How bad your last relationship was
(For undergraduates:) How drunk you were last night
Hugo Chávez
Human Rights Commissions
Hymns at Mass

Iconoclasm
Identity Politics
IKEA
Immigration
Imperialism
Improper grammar (e.g. “between you and I)
Inclusion
Inclusive language
Inculturation
Insubordination
The Internal Revenue Service
International Commission on English in the Liturgy
Internet dating websites
Inter-religious dialogue
Involvement
Ipods
Islam, radical or otherwise
The Israeli occupation of Palestine

Jackson Pollock
James Pike
Jazz
Jazzercise
Jeans
Jennifer Granholm
Jerry Springer
Jesuits, St. Louis and otherwise
Jesuit Psalter
The Jesus Seminar
Joan Chittister
John Calvin
John Shelby Spong
Justin Bieber (especially his haircuts)

Karl Rahner
Katharine Schori
The Kennedies
The Ku Klux Klan

Lady Gaga
Lawyers
Leadership Conference of Women Religious
The Left Behind Series
The Legion of Christ
Lensless glasses
Lesbianism
Liberalism
Libertarianism
Liberty
Lists
Litter Boxes
Liturgical Revision
Liturgists
The loss of the pronoun whom
The loss of the subjunctive
The lottery
Lutheranism

Margaret Sanger
Marijuana
Mark Zuckerberg
Martin Luther
Matriarchy
Marty Haugen
Marxism
Meat on Fridays
The media
Medjugorje
Megachurches
The Message
Meta-narratives
Methodism
Military-Industrial Complex
Miniskirts
Mixed Choirs
“Modern” “Art”
Modernism
Monster truck rallies
Montel Williams
Mormonism
Mothers who fail to breastfeed
Mullets
Music, post-1900

Neo-cons
Neo-liberal Economics
New age shit
New International Version
New York City
New Yorkers
Nightclubs
The 1960s and ‘70s
Nintendo
No Child Left Behind Act
North American Free Trade Agreement
Nose rings
Notre Dame University
The Novus Ordo
Nuns in business suits

One Direction
One size fits all
Open theism
Operah Winfrey
Oregon Catholic Press
Organic pet food

Pacifists
The Packers
Paganism, Neo- and otherwise
Paper napkins
Parents who don’t care
Partially hydrogenated oils
The “Peace Prayer” wrongly attributed to St. Francis
Peace signs
Pentecostalism
People We Don’t Like
Petitions, especially online
Pets
Pilates
Pianos instead of harpsichords
Piercings on men
Pink
Pius X Psalter
Planned Parenthood
Political correctness
Pollution
Poncho chasubles
Ponytails on men, especially clergy
Pope Paul VI
Pornography
Post-modernism
Praise and worship music
Pray Tell Blog
President Bush
President Obama
Presiders and their Captain Kirk chairs

Pretentiousness
Pride parades
Priestesses
Prince Charles
Princess Diana
Professional athletes
Projection screens in churches
Prom
Pornography
Property rights
Protestantism
Protests
Psalm tone propers
Psychics
Psychology

Quantitative Assessments
Queer
Questioning
Quotas

Racism
Rainbow flags
Rainbow stoles
Rap
The Rapture
RCIA directors
Refrain glorias
The Republican Party
Republicanism
Responsorial psalms
Revolution
Rice-A-Roni
Richard Dawkins
Rights
Rock concerts
Rock ‘n’ roll
Role playing games
Rowan Williams
Rush Limbaugh
Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Sacrilege
Sarah Palin
Saxophones
Scented candles
Scholastic gibberish
Seances
SeaWorld
Secularism
Sedevacantists
Self-gift
Self-narratives
Self-possession
Sex, most of the time
Sex education
Sex reassignment surgery

Sexting
Sexual assault
Sexually transmitted infections
Shag carpeting
Shake ‘n Bake
Shopping malls
Shortshorts
Sign of peace
Sin
Six-day creationism
Smart drinks
Soap operas
Soccer moms
Sociology
Sodomy
Sororities
Southern Baptist Convention
Southern Poverty Law Center
Speaking in tongues
The Spice Girls
Spirituality
Sports
Stalin
Star Trek
Star Wars
The Statue of Liberty (i.e. That Idol of a French Whore)
Steve Jobs
Stoles worn over chasubles
Stupid people
The Supreme Court
Sustainability

Taliban
Tarot cards
Tattoos (a.k.a. “tramp stamps”)
The Tea Party, but not tea simply
Televangelists
Television
Texting
Therapy
Think-tanks
The three-year lectionary
Tolerance
Toleration
Toupées
Trailer parks
Transgendered
Transvestites
Trousers on women

Ugly people
Ugly tabernacles
Underwater Mongolian basket weaving
United Nations
Urban sprawl

Vampire novels
Vandalism
Vatican II
Vegetarianism
Veganism
Versus populum
Viagra
Vice
Violence

Walmart
Walt Disney
Wall Street
Washington DC
Welfare dependency
Whiggery
Witchcraft
Witches
Wombforce
Women’s ordination
Women who drive and talk on the phone at the same time
Womynist identities
World Council of Churches
World Youth Day
Wrestling, professional
Written constitutions

Xylophones

Yankee cuisine
Yankee foreign policy
Yard signs
Yoga
Your face
Your feelings (mine are ok)
Your happiness (and mine too)
Your Mom

Friday, June 14, 2013

Limericks


Sometimes even the LCWR can provide artistic inspiration:


There once was a sister named Sue,
Who didn't know what to do.
She took off her habit,
And married the abbot,
And said it was Vatican II.

And Sue, while teaching in pride,
To our children this nun would confide:
"It's only a meal,

And no big deal;
Develop the Goddess inside."

But soon Sue yearned to be free,
And so she went on a spree,
Now the abbot's her ex,
And she likes same-sex,
Approved, she says, by Vatican III.

And likewise Pray Tell:


There once was a liturgist named Ray,
Who would always forget to pray.
He took out the rail,
And one day will wail,
When Latin comes back to stay.

Cardinal Kasper:


There once was a Lutheran named Claude,
Who loved his heresy, so flawed.
He would not repent,
And to hell he was sent,
Because he refused to listen to God.

The author encourages his readers to contribute their own limericks on the thread. Share the love. Pass it forward.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Back to your regular dose of humour...

Back in the days when Anglicanorum Coetibus had been released but none of the Ordinariates had yet been set up, I did some internet research and noticed that the Episcopal/Anglican parishes that might come into the Ordinariate tended to describe themselves in similar ways online. The Muse then pushed a button and the following parody flowed from my fingertips.


Welcome to St Thomas of Canterbury Anglicatholic Church, where we’re formal, friendly, and faithful both to the Bishop of Rome and the Anglican tradition of worship.

On an average Sunday here at STCAC, the worshiper will find a great number of services to satisfy both his canonical obligation and Christian duty to worship God in the beauty of his holiness, decently and in order, at both the Divine Office and the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. For those who prefer to observe the traditional Eucharistic fast from midnight or who may need to work later in the day, we offer two low Masses, the first according to the Extraordinary Form of the Roman Rite at 5:30 AM and the other according to Sarum Use at 6:15 AM. While we have obtained permission from the Sacred Congregation in Rome for the lessons at these services to be read in the vernacular, such permission is superfluous for they are muttered so silently that no one can hear them. For those who prefer sung services, Matins or Morning Prayer begins promptly at 8:30 followed by the Great Litany in Advent, Septuagesima, Lent, and on other days of fasting or abstinence. At Matins and Lauds we typically follow Sarum Use translated into the hieratic style of the Prayer Book by the Reverend Palmer, but modified in accordance with Pope St. Pius X’s 1911 reforms of the weekly psalter. At High Mass which follows, we typically celebrate according to Sarum Use enriched with certain beloved prayers from the Prayer Book tradition, including the Prayer for the Whole State of Christ’s Church (always changing indifferently to impartially), the Comfortable Words, the Confession, the Absolution, and the Peace, all immediately after the Sermon, as well as Archbishop Cranmer’s Post-Communion. In times of penitence, the celebrant uses the Roman Canon in silence, whilst on other days he says a modified Prayer Book Canon, adding prayers for the Pope, the Sovereign, the Bishop, and the dead, as well as an elaborate and explicit epiclesis. We likewise typically follow the Roman colour scheme at these services, with the addition of blue vestments for feasts of Our Lady, yellow for feasts of Confessors, and ashen grey for Passiontide. High Mass is always followed by the chanting of the Angelus as well as prayers for the ascension of the House of Wittelsbach to the throne of St. Edward.

On most Sundays and Holy Days of the year, we reassemble as a community of faith for an organ recital at 4:45 PM followed by sung Evening Prayer or Vespers at 5:15 PM. This service usually follows that prescribed by the 1662 Prayer Book with an added first versicle for the Supreme Pontiff: God bless the Pope: And let not the Gates of Hell prevail against him. Benediction of the Blessed Sacrament usually follows. On those days when we add a solemn Compline after Benediction, the Nunc Dimittis at Evening Prayer is replaced either by the Phos Hilarion or the New Testament Canticle of the 1975 Liturgia Horarum taken from the Authorized Version. The clergy who assist in choir at our evening services always wear cassock, gown, tippet, bands, and catercap, in accordance with the tradition of the Anglican patrimony.

In addition to our weekly cycle of liturgies, our parish also enjoys a rich devotional life. On Wednesdays at noon, please join us for public recitation of the rosary. On Fridays throughout the year and all ferial days of Lent, we pray the Stations of the Cross at 3 PM followed by Evensong. On Fridays in Lent, thereafter follows a soup supper and book study. Finally, on Saturday mornings after Mass, our local chapter of the Archconfraternity prays a perpetual novena to both St. Philomena and St. Charles, King and Martyr. Because we are Christians in full communion with the See of Rome, Bible study is officially discouraged but not forbidden.

Childcare is available for all children under the age of five at the principle services each Sunday and major Holy Day. Those adults who feel called to volunteer in the nursery are encouraged to join our local chapter of the Confraternity of St. Nicholas of Myra, patron of children, harlots, and apothecaries. 

Because STCAC is a growing community welcoming of all people, we invite you to join us as we work together to build God’s Kingdom on earth. With your help, we hope in time to have more registered laity than clergy, staff, and paid choir members combined. 

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Some advice to a friend in Canada


I sent the following message to a certain someone recently:


Dear Steve,

I don't think it's right or good that you're not married yet. Why don't you take out an add in a local newspaper that reads as follows:

A marriageable bachelor who makes $X/year seeks a nubile, callipygian, pneumatic woman. Must be a practicing Catholic under 25 who knows how to keep house and her place. Must love children and want to bear them. Ideally virginally intact.

If you don't know what nubile, callipygian, or pneumatic mean, look them up now. Their definitions will make you laugh. And because you live in Canada, a place with far too many transgendered folks, you may want to specify that you're looking for a female woman.

With Love,
Max

Friday, May 31, 2013

Today's Humour

We found this on AMU's Classic Department's website:

Not only do we have a robust core curriculum at Ave Maria University, but most of our students fulfill the language study requirement by taking Latin. A very considerable number – especially in light of the fact that we are a Catholic, not a protestant university – do Greek as well. 


To which we respond thus:

Insofar as Ave Maria University is a Catholic and not a Protestant institution:

...the administration does not permit earth-worshipping lesbian witches to put on sacerdotal vestments and to try to confect the Sacrament. It regrets that the Church even allows such persons to become nuns, and happily not for very much longer.

...all the choir members are paid, for this is not Methodist endeavour.

...all students begin learning Latin before learning Greek, for the administration is most suspicious of the tendency of the lingua Gaeculorum to ferment heresy. Those who prefer Greek to Latin are officially warned by the Holy Inquisition that their views on various subjects are, if not erroneous, then at least unfit for pious ears.

...women are encouraged to wear unseemly chapel veils instead of hats, for hats are A) protestant; and, B) a potential incitement to distraction and thoughts of royal weddings at Holy Mass.

...the mandates of the federal government required by law are given the attention they are deemed to merit, and thus promptly disregarded.

...the "meat" served in the cafeteria never meets the canonical requirements for fleshmeats; wherefore, the University saves great sums of money and the whole university community observes perpetual abstinence.

...faculty members are regularly encouraged to aspire to the ideal of a Josephite marriage, yet also have a dozen children. Those whose families are less than six are privately accounted guilty of following the letter of Humanae Vitae, but not its spirit.

...female students are admitted, solely so that the University can remain financially solvent. Should the University's financial situation change, the faculty intend to become as exclusively male and patriarchal as the Roman Curia, the universe, and the most holy and undivided Trinity.

...faculty are not permitted to wear tweed, unless they are officially members of the Society of Charles, King and Martyr; in which case, they would never chose to wear tweed anyway.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Some Humour


The following is an edited version of a poem by a traditionalist Catholic on Facebook. Please pray for his intentions. 'Tis a pity that the poetry recited at President Obama's inauguration was not as good as this.


Woman is vain and Eve the world's woe 
for she corruption in Adam did sow; 
when he, seduc'd by that serpent-mouth'd coquette, 
did the seed of sin upon this world set. 

Yet, recall Lucrece, the fair maiden self-slain, 
who thought to live in sin's to live in vain. 
Where hath Dante placed her? Among the wise, 
for even God admir'd her fair eyes. 
And Catharine, the great daughter of Dominic, 
who taught St. Peter's son when he was sick, 
and mov'd the papal court of cheese, whores, and wine, 
and made it to feast on the things divine. 
And Hedwig, that oft forgotten wife saint, 
and she who did the Little Flower paint. 
And the mother of Dominic, Lady Jane: 
Who can say that that woman liv'd in vain? 
Whose blessed womb bore the mouth to conquer 
all the the ways of most pernicious error. 

Wherefore, some women wiser are, 
with radiance brighter than Phoebus' car; 
and not some ugly, pious, plain Janes I mean, 
who always in some Quaker dress are seen. 
No, I mean ladies both virtuous and fair, 
who rouge use and have well treated hair; 
but not so much time to that art is giv'n, 
that they forget that yet their soul is liv'n, 
but balenc'd 'twixt plain Jane and vain coquette; 
thou shalt have such if thou have patience yet. 
Make St. Joseph thy friend and to him pray 
that God give thee a blessed wedding day. 
Happy as Collantine shalt thou be-- 
Nay more! For he did not Our Lady see!