Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Back to your regular dose of humour...

Back in the days when Anglicanorum Coetibus had been released but none of the Ordinariates had yet been set up, I did some internet research and noticed that the Episcopal/Anglican parishes that might come into the Ordinariate tended to describe themselves in similar ways online. The Muse then pushed a button and the following parody flowed from my fingertips.

Welcome to St Thomas of Canterbury Anglicatholic Church, where we’re formal, friendly, and faithful both to the Bishop of Rome and the Anglican tradition of worship.

On an average Sunday here at STCAC, the worshiper will find a great number of services to satisfy both his canonical obligation and Christian duty to worship God in the beauty of his holiness, decently and in order, at both the Divine Office and the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. For those who prefer to observe the traditional Eucharistic fast from midnight or who may need to work later in the day, we offer two low Masses, the first according to the Extraordinary Form of the Roman Rite at 5:30 AM and the other according to Sarum Use at 6:15 AM. While we have obtained permission from the Sacred Congregation in Rome for the lessons at these services to be read in the vernacular, such permission is superfluous for they are muttered so silently that no one can hear them. For those who prefer sung services, Matins or Morning Prayer begins promptly at 8:30 followed by the Great Litany in Advent, Septuagesima, Lent, and on other days of fasting or abstinence. At Matins and Lauds we typically follow Sarum Use translated into the hieratic style of the Prayer Book by the Reverend Palmer, but modified in accordance with Pope St. Pius X’s 1911 reforms of the weekly psalter. At High Mass which follows, we typically celebrate according to Sarum Use enriched with certain beloved prayers from the Prayer Book tradition, including the Prayer for the Whole State of Christ’s Church (always changing indifferently to impartially), the Comfortable Words, the Confession, the Absolution, and the Peace, all immediately after the Sermon, as well as Archbishop Cranmer’s Post-Communion. In times of penitence, the celebrant uses the Roman Canon in silence, whilst on other days he says a modified Prayer Book Canon, adding prayers for the Pope, the Sovereign, the Bishop, and the dead, as well as an elaborate and explicit epiclesis. We likewise typically follow the Roman colour scheme at these services, with the addition of blue vestments for feasts of Our Lady, yellow for feasts of Confessors, and ashen grey for Passiontide. High Mass is always followed by the chanting of the Angelus as well as prayers for the ascension of the House of Wittelsbach to the throne of St. Edward.

On most Sundays and Holy Days of the year, we reassemble as a community of faith for an organ recital at 4:45 PM followed by sung Evening Prayer or Vespers at 5:15 PM. This service usually follows that prescribed by the 1662 Prayer Book with an added first versicle for the Supreme Pontiff: God bless the Pope: And let not the Gates of Hell prevail against him. Benediction of the Blessed Sacrament usually follows. On those days when we add a solemn Compline after Benediction, the Nunc Dimittis at Evening Prayer is replaced either by the Phos Hilarion or the New Testament Canticle of the 1975 Liturgia Horarum taken from the Authorized Version. The clergy who assist in choir at our evening services always wear cassock, gown, tippet, bands, and catercap, in accordance with the tradition of the Anglican patrimony.

In addition to our weekly cycle of liturgies, our parish also enjoys a rich devotional life. On Wednesdays at noon, please join us for public recitation of the rosary. On Fridays throughout the year and all ferial days of Lent, we pray the Stations of the Cross at 3 PM followed by Evensong. On Fridays in Lent, thereafter follows a soup supper and book study. Finally, on Saturday mornings after Mass, our local chapter of the Archconfraternity prays a perpetual novena to both St. Philomena and St. Charles, King and Martyr. Because we are Christians in full communion with the See of Rome, Bible study is officially discouraged but not forbidden.

Childcare is available for all children under the age of five at the principle services each Sunday and major Holy Day. Those adults who feel called to volunteer in the nursery are encouraged to join our local chapter of the Confraternity of St. Nicholas of Myra, patron of children, harlots, and apothecaries. 

Because STCAC is a growing community welcoming of all people, we invite you to join us as we work together to build God’s Kingdom on earth. With your help, we hope in time to have more registered laity than clergy, staff, and paid choir members combined. 


Anonymous said...

Yeh. I knew there were a couple of problems
beside married priests. Whoever wrote this is really up with things. Thank Heaven. It's really helpful to those who don't have to be. I think you should change the name of this Blog to Real Church News.
Sign of Peace.

Anonymous said...

"Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone." - J.C.

I believe this statement applies here. At least the Anglican BCP tradition (1928) kept my faith alive, after sodomitic priests, lesbian nuns, and feminazi RC 'experts' all but caused me to lose the faith, Sr. Mary Battleaxe and my dear, departed mother told me was 'semper edeam.'

And did so, for over three decades, until I came to Holy Orthodoxy; which actually allows for a Western Rite that is as high church Anglican as the best of them- and doesn't mandate the 'unholy trinity' of Haugen, Joncas, and Haas as the musical 'norm.' (Ugh.)

SO, don't cast the first stone, until you can repudiate the 'aggiornimento' of the last five decades.

- Fr. john+
Orthodox Priest

Maximilian Hanlon said...

Dear Fr. John,

The EF stands with you in your condemnation of the "contemporary" "art" used by most Roman Catholic churches and still defended by the Pray Tell blog. Do keep in mind, however, that the music you rightly decry took hold because most parishes in the US in the 1960s lacked adequate music programs. The only thing worse than a guitar Mass is Gregorian Chant sung badly and I myself have heard lots of it.

As far as Western Rite Orthodoxy goes, the following detail some of its deficiencies:

When push comes to shove, the majority of Western Rite parishes in time either switch to the Byzantine Rite entirely or celebrate a bastardized version of the Western Rite that most Western Christians would not recognize as their own. The Byzantinization of these parishes is seemingly worse than the current Latinization of Rome's Eastern Rite parishes. Indeed, for at least the past century Rome has never required that the anaphoras of the Byzantine Rite be altered in any way, thereby showing a greater degree of diversity than the Byzantine insistence that an epiclesis be added to the Roman Canon.

Finally, please note that I am an Ordinariate Catholic and intend to be funny. My parody is not meant to put anyone down, only to make people laugh.


Anonymous said...

I am Anonymous June 12 8:57 PM. I thought the brilliant Post was all in good fun and we all need laughs. My reply was an
attempt to be a little funny according to my ability which can't match Mr. Hanlon's ability.
With open arms, Welcome Home +

Anonymous said...

Oh, I knew you were essaying at some humor. I liked much better the limericks!

- Fr. John+

Anonymous said...

I liked the limericks too. Even though some of the poets
didn't keep to the formula.