Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts

Friday, February 10, 2017

Awesome Spoof Takes Vatican Curia by Storm

Edit: here's the story from some leftist whiners at Crux who are not amused.  Thanks to Oakes Spalding. It seems that someone is ramping up the psychological warfare. Isn't this so much more gratifying than finding fault with each other like a cult of Pentecostals?
Sometimes, the news does read like satire. Sometimes the satire is the news! And this is the best weapon at our disposal.
ROME- Barely a week after Rome woke up full of anti- Pope Francis posters, anonymous critics were back at it, sending a fake version of the Vatican’s official newspaper to cardinals and officials via email, claiming that the pontiff had answered five dubia, or questions, posed to him by four conservative cardinals about his document Amoris Laetita.
“He has answered!” reads the cover of the satirical edition of L’Osservatore Romano (LOR), the Vatican’s newspaper, which carries the date of Jan. 17.
“May your speech be yes yes no no,” reads the excerpt of the cover story, in reference to Matthew’s Gospel that says “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.” (In Roman circles, Si Si No No is also familiar as the title of a small publication put out by the“St. Pius X Catholic Center for Anti-Modernist Studies,” expressing traditionalist criticism of post-Vatican II reforms.)

Friday, April 1, 2016

Cardinal Kasper RIP

The EF’s contacts in Germany are reporting that his eminence, Walter Cardinal Kasper (b. 5 March 1933) passed away in his sleep early this morning due to a heart attack at the age of eighty-three.

Certain circumstances of his death, however, seem to be confusing the news media and interfering with objective reporting. Sources close to the Cardinal tell us that after reading Michel de Certeau’s L’invention du quotidien, Kasper was inspired to go to confession during Holy Week for the first time since the early 1990s. Apparently, Pope Francis’s love of Jesuitical pop-psychology masquerading as culture criticism and the offer of an easy plenary indulgence during the Year of Mercy have brought about the conversion of at least one, stiff-necked, hardhearted, notorious, and public sinner.

Details regarding funeral arrangements have yet to be released to the public.

We at the EF are committed to keeping the reading public informed about the life of the Church and the world with the most up-to-date and accurate information possible. Stay tuned as the details of the Cardinal’s death and funeral arrangements continue to be revealed. We encourage all to pray for those who mourn.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Tacky Liberal Incoherence, No. 7

While ordering at a steakhouse: "Do you guys offer a vegan alternative for beacon? Because I'm not opposed to the merciless slaughter of poor, innocent animals for us just to eat them per se, because I'm not intolerant or narrow-minded. No! It's just that I'm here to help."

Friday, June 5, 2015

Tacky Liberal Incoherence, No. 5

Instead of allowing conservative meanies with guns to shoot at deer, kill them, and eat their flesh, why don’t we inject all the does with contraceptive darts? That way, they can enjoy free love almost as much as I do! I mean, just think of BAMBI’s MOM and all the harm being deprived of her love and affection causes fawns! (And don't you dare refer to another Disney movie that might invalidate my point!) And don’t even mention that many hunters do good by donating the meat they don’t want to feed the hungry. Such humanitarian acts which benefit young children undermine my own position!
CLEARLY, sterilizing deer against their will is worth the cost of $135 million every two years just in the state of Connecticut alone! And CLEARLY there will be no negative environmental effects as all those unnatural chemicals pass into the water supply!

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Tacky Liberal Incoherence, No. 4

Granted that the happiness of some women does depend upon daily male sacrifice, we should still agitate for the abolition of Fathers’ Day, because Fathers' Day perpetuates and legitimizes the rape culture.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

On the Importance of Satire

Tancred suggested this morning that I write a post on the importance of satire to explain to readers why I sully his newsfeed with pieces intending to be funny, which “double as critiques of contemporary absurdities,” as a certain friend put it. And lest anyone doubt, he fully supports and enjoys my contributions to his blog and allows me my own policy when it comes to deleting comments I deem unworthy.
As someone once noted, in order to be funny and rhetorically effective, satire needs to have a certain amount of truth in it. The difficulty that now besets us, however, is that so long as there is truth in a piece of satire, a poor, unsuspecting bumpkin somewhere is going to be blind to the joke and miss out on all the fun.
So please, people, get a grip when I mock our opponents by linking articles from leftist (=sinister, usually) sources that are so absurd that they clearly deserve little more than public ridicule and contempt, if their authors refuse to recant their misguided views publicly.
As a side note, however, apparently I am not the only author whose satire and parodies are not always appreciated. C. S. Lewis’s The Screwtape Letters was once upon a time also so misunderstood that one reader cancelled his subscription to The Guardian, because he just didn’t get it.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Tacky Liberal Incoherence, No. 3

Being gay is not a choice. No! (Because even if it sometimes is, we have to say that sexual orientation is always determined by genetics, because otherwise we might subvert the path to gay rights.) But then again, all women (and that means you!) should choose to become lesbians, because that’s the only way to completely escape the evil of patriarchy.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Tacky Liberal Incoherence, No. 2

Of course, people have a right to free speech. But people also have a right to freedom from certain kinds of hate speech. That’s why I think governments should outlaw and punitively punish all anti-choice (wrongly called “pro-life”) speech. Plus, if such unacceptable (and therefore justly censured) speech isn’t censured, our universities won’t be safe places for all of us.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Tacky Liberal Incoherence, No. 1

Women don't need men. No. They only need someone to provide them with the emotionally satisfying, heterosexual intimacy and biological children they need to be happy.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

BREAKING NEWS! Cardinal Nichols Changes His Tone!

As many of our readers know, Cardinal Nichols of Westminster isn’t always the most honest, tasteful, or concise member of the College of Cardinals, and recently many of his priests have offered him a vote of no confidence by publishing a letter in which they demand that the next Synod in Rome remain firm on doctrine. (You can read about the letter and his Eminence’s response thereto here.) Such a response is not surprising insofar as the Holy Father has now opened the floodgates for public debate and thereby granted conservatives and traditionalists license to imitate their liberal brethren by publicly airing their minds. Happily, it happens that Cardinal Nichols has now himself learnt a lesson from the priests of his diocese who were bold enough to sign the letter and has in fact changed his tone. In October last year, Nichols published a pastoral letter in which he speaks of the Synod approvingly and with relish. (It may be read here.) Now it seems his Eminence has learnt something of the preconciliar art of concision, precision, and brevity, and publicly changed his mind by publishing a revision, which may be read below. 

The full, revised text of Cardinal Vincent Nichols’ Pastoral Letter is as follows:

To all our brethren and spiritual subjects in Christ, both laics and clerks:

During this season of Lent wherein our holy Mother the Church ever exhorts her children unto increased vigilance, prayer, and penance, our grief and sadness compel us to make known unto you, dear brethren, the machinations of the recent Extraordinary Synod of Bishops held in Rome on the theme of the tribulations afflicted upon the family in these foul days of ours. Although fain would we have abstained from such a conventicle of many who have fallen from the sweetness of truth, duty bade us stay and offer unto God the sacrifices of a heart contrite and pierced by the infidelity of so many of our fellow churchmen.

As you have heard or read, many of the Synod fathers were intent upon changing the teaching of the Church (which God forbid!) on marriage and family life. Such, alas, is the case. Superficially, the enemies of truth discussed questions of ‘pastoral care’ that the Church with maternal solicitude ever owes to repentant sinners. Such was all for the good. The primal error afflicting nearly all, however, was the intentionally willed ambiguity whereby almost none distinguished between the repentant and the unrepentant. Whereas the Church must always offer care for the sick of soul, that she might cure the spiritually infirm all the more, from time to time she must rebuke the proud and prod the unrepentant to turn and believe. The universal call to repentance was, we must report, sadly lacking from the Synod Fathers, especially those from Germany. Such widespread lack of faith, is especially disheartening as we consider the ever increasing number of listless souls for whom Christ died, yet who know him not; or who know him, yet love him not.

You may also have heard that the Holy Father was disappointed at the Synod’s outcome. At present, we are not altogether sure what the Supreme Pontiff’s attitude towards the Synod proceedings were or whether he was satisfied with its work. We were, however, taken aback at his refusal or at least unwillingness to reveal his own mind as to what precisely he would have done.

At Synod’s end, Pope Francis spoke at length about his joy, satisfaction, and frustration with its work. He told the assembled Fathers to take to heart how Divine Providence had touched the Synod through its proceedings, and to see how we may have been tempted to reject the promptings of the Holy Ghost. The Synod, he insisted, must needs be a spiritual journey, not a debating chamber. Yet debating is so often all we did. Our “journey” was nothing but a facile glance and glib perusal at some of the trials afflicting the family in the contemporary world. With the desultoriness of chimpanzees, certain speakers moved from topics like concubinage, polygamy, and whoring, to fornication, adultery, and even the sin against nature, with seemingly little cognizance that for sins such as these, innumerable sinners fail to attain salvation. The vagueness of the proceedings and the sins it refused to name was, at times, intolerable.

In the course of the proceedings, the Synod Fathers contributed to the veritable deluge of mindless dribble that passes these days for so-called ‘magisterial’ texts, which seek to appease all by saying little. By the end, it seems, the German revisionists and their allies had hit their mark and drafted the 'Synod Report' on which the Synod Fathers voted, paragraph by paragraph. Quite simply, the votes indicate the gap between the many who have rejected the faith once delivered and those who have remained firm. Unfortunately, this Report now constitutes the matrix from which will emerge the next Synod to be held this October on the predictably ambiguous theme of 'The Vocation and Mission of the Family Today'.

At the end of the Synod, in his closing address, Pope Francis said this: 'Dear brothers and sisters, now we still have one year to mature, with true spiritual discernment, the proposed ideas and find concrete solutions to so many difficulties and innumerable challenges that families must confront; to give answers to the many discouragements that surround and suffocate families......May the Lord accompany us and guide us in this journey for the glory of His Name.'

That, apparently, is what our loyalty to the Supreme Pontiff requires of us in this present moment. It is our earnest hope, in the meanwhile, to exhort you, faithful souls, during this Lenten season to join your hearts and minds to our Crucified Lord, stretched and nailed, rejected, dying, and alone, who is offered in every Mass and ever present in the Blessed Sacrament, that he avert from us the full measure of the Father’s wrath stirred up by the willful impenitence of wretched and degenerate men who prefer the path of perdition to peace.

With our Apostolic Benediction, we remain

Yours devotedly,
X Cardinal Vincent Nichols
Archbishop of Westminster

Thursday, June 5, 2014

The Index, Part 2

The Magisterium exercised by the EF has felt the need to add the following to the Index already published here. All the Church’s faithful are requested to avoid so much as thinking of the following concepts under pain of incurring our most grievous displeasure.

America Online
The American Revolution
Animal “rights”
Anthony Ruff
Archbishop Weakland
Aristotelian objections to creatio ex nihilo, Plato, the immortality of the soul, and the multiplicity of human intellects

Benedictine sodomites in Minnesota (You know who you are.)
Bishops (including popes) who fail to use the imperial we

Cardinal Bernadine

The Da Vinci Code
Dan Schutte and his “music”
Dead Man Walking

Excising verses from the psalms


Liturgical Renewal
Love bubbles

"Muslim" instead of "Mohammedan"

Objections to the just use of capital punishment
Objections to relics, relics, images, and the Immaculate Conception
Omitting the Athanasian Creed

Paisley neckties
Peace Studies
People who refuse to pull their pants up
Phallogocentrism (the word not the idea)
Pronouncing Te Deum as tedium
The prefix inter- in unacceptable neologisms (e.g. interfaith, intersex, intertextuality)

Refusal to argue from facts or to argue rationally at all

Samuel Becket
Sister Hellen Prejean
Social network theory
Spending too much money on pets
Spiritual angular alignment (with anything)

Things you need to be happy
The Thirty-Nine Articles of the C of E
Turning nouns into verbs in an unacceptable fashion (e.g. to parameterize)


Vegan alternatives to meat products

Waiting for Godot
Wrongly pronouncing English or Latin

Your truth (but not mine)

Monday, November 11, 2013

Post-Modern Latin?

Someone on Facebook recently directed me to this blogpost:

And I thought the following expression of post-modern gobbledygook was fun!:

We should listen to the intertextual, multivocalities of postcolonial others outside of Western culture in order to learn about the phallogocentric biases that mediate our identities.

Someone then asked me to translate this to Latin and such was a very enjoyable exercise. Remember, one must translate not what a text says, but what a text means, and post-moderns should be able to appreciate that distinction precisely because they're constantly on the look out for meaning.

Anyway, here's my rendition in Latin:

Exaudiamus oportet textus et voces et modos cogitandi alienorum extra mundum Europaeorum quo melius inclinationes nefandas, quibus iniuste feminarum viri dominentur et quibus nosmetipsos non recte intelligamus, discamus.

Now, what do we find when we translate back to English? Something a bit more intelligible:

It behooves us to listen to the texts, voices, and modes of thought of those outside the world of Europeans so that we may better learn the wicked inclinations by which men unjustly exercise power over women and by which we incorrectly understand ourselves.

And so, in the final analysis, postmodern discourse is just like Holy Mass and the other sacraments: It's better in Latin.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

"Just friends"

A woman recently told one of my housemates that she "only wanted to be friends," even though they had gone on only one date. I told him he ought to retort thus:

"What is this just friends? There is nothing higher than friendship, for friendship is the bond that joins together the very Persons of the Trinity! And in fact, because your views of friendship are so impoverished, you clearly have no idea of what friendship is. I therefore deem you unworthy of it!"

Monday, August 19, 2013

Sedevacantists and Archbishop Bugnini, Part 2

We continue with our series. Please note the connection between Collegeville and the sacred handshake.

During the Council, Bugnini, now a crazed demoniac, pushed for a liberalization of the Church’s moral theology, because he knew if he could somehow contrive the legalization of in vitro fertilization, he would eventually be capable of raising up an army of soulless zombie children, who would answer only to him and other like-minded liturgists. 

[Ed.: As everyone knows, children conceived by in vitro fertilization don’t have souls, but therefore they’re also conceived without original sin.] 

These children would then erect training camps in the West Indies under Judas’s watch where they would be instructed in the art of machete use, sharpening their skills on sugar plantations. It was Bugnini's plan that these products would fund his operations with the CIA in the United States and Taiwan to undermine the Catholic Church everywhere, but especially in Taiwan and the United States. These children when their skill level reached its height would be used by Bugnini to bully liturgists into accepting his revolution, because, as everyone knows, liturgists fear nothing more than full blown plantation revolts of highly trained, soulless, machete-bearing children – that’s a fact. Also during the Council, he hatched a deal with the gays since they were the up and coming new kids on the block on the Liturgy scene. Most of them were from Collegeville, after all. Faithful to their requests, he introduced the sign of peace into the liturgy, a pagan, homosexual custom, and convinced the Pope to make the deacon’s dalmatic optional, so that deacons in most places would only wear their stole across their chests; their stole is soon to be officially replaced with the rainbow sash by the year 2017, according to the concordat signed between Bugnini and the gays and kept in the secret Vatican archive. In exchange for these changes, the gay liturgists agreed to implement his program wherever they were sent in the emerging empire of the rainbow.

Anyway, after the New Mass was invented by Bugnini, the consilium, and the gays, an off-duty drunken Swiss guard, whose name has been erased from every parish record, was passed out lying in the streets of Rome near Bugnini’s residence. By some miraculous act of God, he heard Bugnini and his fellow conspirators consecrating the Church to Satan during their usual tea time. 

[Ed.: Fr. Malachi Martin has already documented this in one of his books, all based on fact.] 

The Swiss guard quickly informed the Pope of what was going on and the Pope got real pissed. Paul VI himself was even known to have said: “This displeases us greatly.” After pulling Bugnini into the office to find out if the sign of peace was really a bathhouse greeting, he immediately made Bugnini papal legate to Iran to punish him. He couldn’t admit that the new Mass was an abysmal failure or from hell or the gays, because then Archbishop Lefebvre would have won the 200,000 lire bet that the new Mass would never work. Plus, Giovanni already owed Marcel 50,000 for the world cup.

In Iran, Bugnini half-heartedly converted to Islam because he wanted to take a harem and to try to spirit channel Dido into one of his harem girls, but it was too late. The old witch was dead. Plus, Sufiism, the only sect of Mohamedanism which would permit such a thing, was outlawed in Iran and subject to open persecution by the Mullahs. 

Anyway, once Bugnini had died, Pope Benedict really hated what he and the other gay liturgists did to the Liturgy, and to get them back, Benedict asked President Bush in secret negotiations to nuke Mecca during Ramadan, before the rainbow sash could be universally implemented. With typical Germand candor, he told this to Candoleeza Rice before their last meeting. Plus, he was enraged that her mantilla was askew.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Sedevacantists and Archbishop Bugnini, Part 1

Our series continues with the first part of how Archbishop Annibale Bugnini became 100% evil, gave his life to Satan and the Masons, and nearly destroyed the Mass. The following account was recorded from the lips of a silly old hag who shouldn't have access to the internet. In part 2, we shall see all the gory details of Bugnini's destructive power at the Council and beyond and how the inspiration for the "sign of peace" came from a certain monastery in Minnesota.

Before Archbishop Bugnini was sent to Iran for destroying the Mass and practicing Satanic Masonry, he frequently channeled Judas Iscariot from the realm beyond to come up with “creative” “new” ways “to eucharist.” 

[Ed.: Remember, after his suicide, God in his mercy appointed Judas Zombie Patriarch of Elysium and the West Indies and Papal Legate to quasi-Christian communities, i.e. Voodoo peoples. This post has become especially important since Vatican II did away with Limbo. It should be noted that Chief Potowatami was appointed his coadjutor after he died in a raid by the French Jesuits in 1608. Marlon Brando was appointed Vicar General there recently.] 

Of course, Bugnini got into this practice in his boyish days when he would frequent a local witch who would spirit channel St. Jude to speak with him. This witch was also Bugnini’s classics tutor and later became his spiritual director. She directed him to read all about Roman History, especially his namesake, Hannibal. Fearing backlash from the Church for her wicked practices, this witch saw Bugnini’s potential and constantly encouraged him to resurrect Carthaginian paganism. She would frequently remind him that if he wanted to be named after a saint, he would have to destroy the Catholic Church, raise up the old religion of Carthage, make Dido his zombie bride, and use his knowledge of Catholic canonization practices to have Hannibal canonized in the unholy Carthaginian pagan rites of yore. 

[Ed.: These perverse and deviant rituals resemble an Assisi peace conference mixed with an ancient Aztec homoerotic blood ritual.]

Little Bugnini was also encouraged to pursue a career in the Church by his Masonic uncle, Guido Theobaldo and Guido’s third wife, Etheldra.

[Ed.: Etheldra, by the way, was a Jewess of the Cabalist sect and in all likelihood a third cousin of the Kennedies.]

These two consecrated their union during a Black Mass in Rome’s Hebrew ghetto, where the witch channeled Hannibal the Carthaginian into little Bugnini. With Hannibal inside him, Bugnini presided over the ceremony and he remained possessed ever since because the witch’s house work got away from her and she simply forgot to remove the general-spirit from Bugnini. But some say she did it on purpose and this was just her excuse.

To be continued...

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Sedevacantists and the Freestanding Altar

We now turn to the third installment of our series. One of the greatest disagreements (if not the greatest) amongst our sedevacantist brethren is who the last pope was and when exactly he ceased to be pope; or perhaps, which conclave it was that produced the antipope. While theories abound online, we offer here the best synthesis we have encountered from the better informed sedevacantist clergy, like Fr. Anthony Cekada. The following account also nicely explains the origin of the freestanding altar.

You want to know why the priest faces the people at Mass now? It has nothing to do with the people's participation and Sacrosanctum Concilium. The real reason is that Pope John XXIII made a bet with the President of the United Methodist Church in America, Ronald Dunesbury. Pope Angelo Roncalli was naturally playful at heart, and so asked Dunesbury to show him some games they played in America. Because Dunesbury was from Tennessee, he bet the Pope that he couldn't chug a whole gallon of milk in half an hour. “Good” Pope John with his great size and girth laughed at this and decided in broken English: “Why don't we make it a little more interesting?” Dunesbury asked for the terms of the wager: If the Methodist lost, Methodist preachers from thenceforth would be forced by Apostolic decree to wear the uniform of the Swiss Guard while preaching. If the Pope lost, all Catholic altars in the world would be turned around like the Methodists' and all Catholic hymnals would be forced to contain at least thirty percent of the hymns of John Wesley, which is true. Roncalli wanting to show off some of the pomp of the Papacy ordered Charlemagne's baptismal font to be filled with milk and brought into the room. From there he ladled exactly one gallon of milk into his triple tiara, while invoking the Holy Spirit's aid. It goes without saying that this ladle was really one of the three silver plated skulls of St. John the Baptist which he only brought out on special occasions, like the Saturnalia and Candlemas, to show off. Of course, like every mortal man, Roncalli lost the bet. Twenty-three minutes into it, he had only finished half the gallon when he signaled for his MC to bring him his golden chamber pot, which was a gift to the Holy See from Ferdinand and Isabella and made from all the gold the Jews left behind when they were expelled from Spain (which wasn't all that much if you think about those people). When he received it, he immediately let fly from the Apostolic gullet a gush of vomit, chicken bones, pasta, latte, and the unconsecrated communion wafers he was constantly snacking on which were the contents of his stomach. At this point, Roncalli abdicated the papal throne and became the first anti-pope in centuries. He also lost his faith at that very moment and started using the Methodist hymnal in his private chapel. That's why the priest faces the people at Mass now.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Sedevacantists and the “Sprit of Vatican II”

We continue with the next installment of our series on what the sedevacantist protestants, especially those who are aged and female, might actually believe. Our next segment tackles the personal history of Fr. Karl Rhaner SJ and seeks to explain why the Vatican II documents are so massive but seemingly say so little. 

Karl Rhaner, the dissenting heretical pseudo-theologian who was a peritus at Vatican II, was really possessed by the restless soul of a slave woman named Nini from the American south. Back in 1869 Nini was lynched by the KKK for being “an uppity negress." Because she was hung from a tree she really hated trees, and saw Rhaner as her way of destroying the rain forest. 

Let me explain. This Titchaba spirit got Rhaner to help produce the most loquacious Council in the history of the Church: Vatican II, printing massive amounts of paper containing things no one cared about and fewer would ever read. Of course, the world will never be the same primarily because so many trees had to be destroyed to produce the massive amount of paper to produce all these boring documents and commentary. To date, 17% of the rain forest has been destroyed to print Vatican II documents. Dignitatis Humanae and the subsistit of Lumen Gentium 8 are responsible for a full 6%. This explains why Vatican II and post-conciliar encyclicals keep getting bigger and bigger, using up more and more paper, but they continue to have less and less substance. 

Titchaba was also the Voodoo high-priestess of the god of nonsense-speak, so now that Rhaner's dead, she resides at Franciscan University of Steubenville in Christ the King Chapel only venturing out across to the auditorium when they have Renewal meetings or Scot Hahn talks so that whenever the charismaniacs there speak in tongues, it's really Titchaba giving forth pagan voodoo curses in her African speak. She also got Stuebie to promote the Theology of the Body because to do natural family planning you have to use a lot of cotton swabs to take the samples. This cotton is Nini's exaltation of her ancient work. Suffice it to say, she really likes aspirin too. Even to this day you can hear NNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEE --------------------NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE --------------------  TITCHA-BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! echoing through the Paul VI audience hall in the Vatican late at night. Nini the Titchaba spirit is the real "spirit of Vatican II."

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Ecumenical Dialogue with the Sedevacantists?

Believe it or not, even we here at the EF are open to ecumenical dialogue, at least with certain groups of people whom the post-conciliar church has not always cheerfully welcomed into fellowship. Chief among these are, of course, the Society of Pope Pius X and our Eastern Orthodox brethren. We have also always supported the struggle of those orthodox Anglicans who are now seeking refuge in the Barque of Peter through the various Ordinariates worldwide in their godly effort to maintain sanity in the face of buttface ugly lady-preachers; nevertheless, we have thus far not considered other groups of godly Christian folk who are small in number but great in zeal (although not according to knowledge), commonly called sedevacantists. These conservative protestants need our help, especially because, left to their own devices, their sanctuaries so overflow with ugly and effeminate lace products that one would think that their clergy wear tablecloths instead of albs. The difficulty, however, when trying to dialogue with such persons in the spirit of Christian charity is that, like all protestants, they seem so divided amongst themselves that they cannot offer the world a unified and coherent account of what they actually believe. To remedy such divisiveness, Tancred and I have actually spent quite a bit of time talking to real sedevacantists of all types, both men and women, old and young, but mostly old women, to understand better where they are coming from. We have also spent considerable time putting together their various accounts of the origins of certain post-conciliar novelties and their views of certain churchmen who have played an important rôle in the life of the contemporary Church. This has been a labor of love to help the various sedevacantist protestant groups determine better what they might actually believe.

Over the course of the next two weeks or so, I shall be posting what we believe the authentic sedevacantist positions on various issues and people are in the spirit of rigorous honesty and Christian love. We hope that all our readers consider these claims seriously and do penance that these and all other protestants might recant their errors and return to the bosom of Holy Church whom they have offended by their various errors and stupidities. And because this blog has a special affection and devotion to His Eminence, Princess Roger Michael Cardinal Mahoney, Archbishop of Los Angeles, I thought it fitting to begin with the sedevacantist account of his roots, which find below.

Recently Cardinal Roger Mahoney invited Vladimir Putin to his new Our Lady of the Angels Cathedral in Los Angeles, i.e. the “Raj Mahal.” The purpose of this meeting was to desecrate and purge the relics of St. Vibiana of any dignity or holiness they might yet possess after being under the charge of Princess Roger for so long by a dark and perverse ritual involving their secret Masonic tattoos.

Of course, everybody knows the real reason he's in cahoots with Putin: He really wants to be king of Mexico and he thinks Putin's the man to put him there on the throne of Montazuma. You've all heard of Montazuma's revenge being diahrea? It's not. It's Mahoney: Mahoneyriah. Although this claim to the throne of Mexico may seem absurd coming from an ecclesial prince with an Irish surname, Mahonney has had a team of Mormons putting together his proper genealogy to prove that he has some claim at least to the throne of Mexico. This is what they've come up with. I swear it must be true; I read it in Catholic Family News and Der Spiegel.

You see, according to legend Montazuma sent his daughter to make sweet love to Cortez to divinize his blood line because he thought that Cortez was the Aztec god of the feathered serpent, Cuatzlcoatl. The Cortez-Montazuma bastard which issued forth from that union would one day give Mahoney his special claim to the throne of the heathen Aztecs. During the Mexican American war, the Irish contingent of American soldiers who took offense at the blaspheming of Catholic churches by the heretical protestants in their ranks, in conscience were forced to switch to the Mexican side and were known as the San Patricios. They fought for the one true faith of Jesus. One of the San Patricios, a certain Shemus Mahonney, sired a bastard son with a Flamenco dancer named Maria Theresa Catalina Guadalupe Ascensione Rosario Hernandez, who also had some distant blood relations to the Dukes of Gandia. Shemus didn't escape the charge of treason brought against him by the U.S. army when the war was over. He and all the other San Patricios were hung for treason, but Maria Theresa Catalina Guadalupe Ascensione Rosario Hernandez escaped with Shemus's seed in her belly and took refuge in Belize until she was safe, making her living dancing before British sailors. When it was safe, she returned to her homeland where she raised little Fernando Mahonney as a ranch hand.

Now pay attention because here's where it gets interesting. During the American Civil War, since the whole country was engulfed in bitter fighting, the Monroe doctrine was easily ignored by European powers, and Maximilian II, a Hapsburg (a family which, as we all know, starting with Charles V claimed descent from pious Aeneas himself), captured all of Mexico and made it his own, declaring himself emperor. Like any emperor he took delight in befriending servant girls, and by “befriending,” I mean it in the royal sense of the word. Imperial “befriendment” is equivalent to biblical “knowledge” after all. Maximilian's illegitimate daughter, Sancha de la Cruz von Hapsburg, was a beautiful young lady and by an act of fate or Masonic cunning came to be courted by the slightly older Fernando Mahoney. After Maximilian was deposed Sancha became a milk maid at the same ranch Fernando worked. After a night of drinking on the feast of St. Vibiana they took the classical role "in the hay." Fernando being an honorable man decided to wed Sancha. Their son, Julio Mahonney, ended up marrying the long-forgotten descendent of the Cortex-Montazuma blood line named Rose Maciella Hanlon who having no other nobility in her blood other than Cortez-Montazuma, still at least had a third cousin who grew up with the Kennedies. Their grandson is Roger, Cardinal Prince of Los Angeles and soon to be king of Mexico.

Of course, Mahoney has been promised by the Masons that if he stays faithful to his anti-biblical agenda, he can retire in peace in his own Mexican fiefdom complete with his own anti-Pope, security guards of ninjas, air force, and brothel where he can continue his hedonistic agenda of promoting Cardinal Bernadine as the best thing since Jesus and canonize Che Guavera, Caesar Chavez, and Oscar de la Hoya as saints of New Church.