Showing posts with label Maximilian Hanlon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Maximilian Hanlon. Show all posts

Friday, November 14, 2014

Three Medieval Philosophers Show Up at Class...What do we talk about?

Last term my medieval philosophy professor gave us the option of answering a very creative question on the exam. Please find my answer below. I received an A for my efforts.

6.2. If, per impossibile, St. Bonaventure and any two other Latin thirteenth century philosophers of your acquaintance were able to return for a philosophical conversation with our class, what topic, according to your imaginative construction, would we and they discuss and how would the conversation develop? Feel free to select any of the authors whose writings we have studied in the course, e.g., Alexander of Hales, Richard Rufus, or Robert Grossteste, but also consider including one of the following: St. Albert the Great, St. Thomas Aquinas, Roger Bacon, Siger of Brabant, or William of Auvergne. You may use either an essay or dialogue format in answering this question.

So Bonaventure and Albert unexpectedly arrive with Thomas chowing down on a double beacon cheeseburger from Five Guys. Of course, only three students and our professor can speak to our distinguished guests, because only the four of us can speak Latin. Nevertheless, after Bonaventure, Thomas, and Albert are brought up to speed on modernity and Thomas has finished his introduction to the delights of contemporary cuisine, their words can be accurately rendered in English like this:

Bonaventure just begins to shake his head. “I knew this would happen! Under the influence of the Muslims, the integral Aristotelians, earlier called the Straussians, took over, but what is worse their descendants do not see any positive value in religion at all! Although Averroes thought that the philosopher strictly speaking did not need any form of revealed religion, he at least admitted that religion was absolutely essential for most people. Now people act like they don’t need it at all! And all because the hyper-Aristotelians won!”

Albert and Thomas then contemplate the matter and after some thoughtful reflection discuss how the loss of illuminationism and the rediscovery of Aristotle have enabled an unbelievable amount of natural philosophy or “science.” Albert especially is crazy interested in cellular biology and is eager to look into microscopes. Once he and Thomas are finished learning Arabic and Greek well enough to read through the whole philosophic corpus, in due time they would like to turn their attention to biology and physics.

When physics comes up, the conversation then turns to astronomy. Because he rejected Ptolemy’s astronomy which was proven to be significantly more correct than Aristotle’s, Aquinas develops some heartburn from that burger. All three are utterly shocked to find out that what they knew as the cosmos is really just one tiny solar system among many. And the sun is just another star! At the mention of the Big Bang, Aquinas and Bonaventure argue about whether God could have created a beginningless universe. “I KNEW IT HAD TO HAVE A BEGINNING!” Bonaventure screams, but then Albert and Aquinas point out that the Big Bang may in fact have not been the beginning absolutely speaking, merely a critical juncture that is not fully understood. But when the loss of Aristotle’s celestial spheres sinks in with all their perfection and order, the three philosophers get just a slight sense of how incredibly small and unimportant modern man feels. Indeed, a universe of this magnitude may just make the Incarnation significantly more difficult to believe.

To abstain from controversy for a while, things turn to other contemporary developments. Because all three are ordained priests, they are surprised that our liturgies are so short and that priests actually want to face the people at Mass. They also dislike contemporary church “music.” Given the monastic and clerical origins of the university, all three are also stunned that married laymen without aristocratic parentage are allowed to study philosophy and theology. After the class explains that this is now ok, Albert says, “But surely the marital act even in wedlock must impede the right use of the intellect in the highest sciences?” After Albert expresses incomprehension at the thought that marital relations might be compatible with the most exalted forms of human knowing and at the thought that men might actually be able to learn something profitably from women, Bonaventure and Thomas express satisfaction that humans bathe more often than we used to and consequently do not stink like barn animals. This, they say, is a real improvement in civilization. 

Returning to philosophy, Aquinas expresses regret that he so badly misunderstood Aristotle as to attribute to him a doctrine of the immortality of the soul. “If only I had been able to read Aristotle in Greek! But then again, I’m more culpable than that. Robert Grosseteste himself warned us about making Aristotle a Catholic!” Albert for his part wants to read some Meister Eckhart. Bonaventure and Albert are also glad to be relieved of the duties of serving as church administrators for awhile. They had not fully realized all that Aquinas had been able to accomplish for philosophy and theology by refusing to become a bishop.

After listening to their remarks about nearly everything, the class is stunned. The Thomists of the strict observance are astounded when Thomas expresses dismay and chastises them for only wanting to study him and Aristotle. Plus, he disagrees with some of the syntheses they have put together of his own works. For penance, he demands that they memorize the whole Vulgate psalter and read the Platonic corpus in Greek. 

Monday, July 28, 2014

A Note to our Readers

It is presumed that all the readers of this blog are endowed with a modicum of reason and education. If, therefore, any critic fails to receive a response from us, such a person is hereby informed that he has been deemed unfit of correspondence. This holds true especially if a response is positively refused.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

The Index, Part 2

The Magisterium exercised by the EF has felt the need to add the following to the Index already published here. All the Church’s faithful are requested to avoid so much as thinking of the following concepts under pain of incurring our most grievous displeasure.

America Online
The American Revolution
Animal “rights”
Anthony Ruff
Archbishop Weakland
Aristotelian objections to creatio ex nihilo, Plato, the immortality of the soul, and the multiplicity of human intellects

Benedictine sodomites in Minnesota (You know who you are.)
Bishops (including popes) who fail to use the imperial we

Cardinal Bernadine

The Da Vinci Code
Dan Schutte and his “music”
Dead Man Walking

Excising verses from the psalms


Liturgical Renewal
Love bubbles

"Muslim" instead of "Mohammedan"

Objections to the just use of capital punishment
Objections to relics, relics, images, and the Immaculate Conception
Omitting the Athanasian Creed

Paisley neckties
Peace Studies
People who refuse to pull their pants up
Phallogocentrism (the word not the idea)
Pronouncing Te Deum as tedium
The prefix inter- in unacceptable neologisms (e.g. interfaith, intersex, intertextuality)

Refusal to argue from facts or to argue rationally at all

Samuel Becket
Sister Hellen Prejean
Social network theory
Spending too much money on pets
Spiritual angular alignment (with anything)

Things you need to be happy
The Thirty-Nine Articles of the C of E
Turning nouns into verbs in an unacceptable fashion (e.g. to parameterize)


Vegan alternatives to meat products

Waiting for Godot
Wrongly pronouncing English or Latin

Your truth (but not mine)

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Another Prayer Request

In light of how powerful were the prayers of my readers last time round, I bid your prayers once again for a priest who (I believe) has been wrongly accused of wrongdoing. St. Philomena and St. John Vianney, orate pro nobis!

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Liturgy Wars, Part 1

Fr. Hunwicke, God bless him, has brought something hideous to our attention here and here. Fr. Michael J. Butler, a "liturgist" (falsely so called) of the diocese of Brentwood, UK, has decided to spew some oral diarrhea about the new translation of the missal in The Tablet. Because said periodical is more cheap and money pinching than even The New York Times, one cannot read his errors on The Tablet's website without spending an obscene amount of money, but you can read (probably illegally) his excrement here. Going so far as to call the new translation's imposition upon the clergy "illegal," he advocates that priests simply disobey and return to the old "translation" (again, falsely so called) that smells as bad as the shag carpet that his ilk put into churches in the '70s to cover up beautiful mosaics. Fr. Hunwicke has suggested that those of us opposed to this kind of insubordination and disorderliness, be we traditionalists or reform-of-the-reform types, need to man up and join ranks to oppose Fr. Butler's emetic and the liberal activism that undergirds it. We at the EF would go so far as to invite even the charismatic and pentecostal types (à la Steubenville) to join us in raising the alarm. If the liberals will not obey and conform to the new translations, they are in no rationally consistent position to criticize the "disobedient" (falsely so called yet again) celebration of the old Latin Mass, and apparently they need to be reminded of the fact.

So people, freak out, break the occasional piece of stuff you don't really need, get angry, and make some demands. If Fr. Butler will not retract his views and mop up the mess, the priests and laity of his diocese are more than justified in speaking out and refusing to obey his diktats. What is more, if he will not retract, he deserves a good public shaming and contempt for leading people into de facto schism. King Baby needs to be dethroned, and it is high time we throw over the high chair.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Some Suggestions for the Upcoming Pan-Orthodox Council, Part 2

[The first part of this post can be read here.]

Having cautiously committed itself to further dialogue with Rome, the Pan-Orthodox Council should then make clear that the behavior of certain Popes of recent memory is as much a cause of disunity as what divides the Churches doctrinally. Indeed, full communion is simply impossible until the Eastern Churches clearly see that the Bishop of Rome can be trusted to govern the portion of the Lord’s flock entrusted to his care with diligence, justice, and prudence. To provide the Pope with an opportunity to earn and nourish this trust and to elicit from him the kinds of compromises that full communion will necessarily require, the Pan-Orthodox Council should make the following demands:

1. The Western Church should conform to the Eastern date for the celebration of Easter.

2. Rome must respect that right of her Eastern Rites to ordain married men to the priesthood in every place.

3. Rome must desist from any kind of inter-religious dialogue with non-Christians, including Jews and Muslims, that suggests that the Church does not seek the conversion of non-Christians to explicit faith in Jesus Christ, true God, true man, the prophesied Jewish Messiah, and God the Father’s definitive answer to mankind’s problems.

4. Most importantly, the Pope must realize that the liturgy as celebrated in accordance with most of the reforms authorized after the Second Vatican Council is as much a stumbling block to unity as the doctrines that divide us. The Pan-Orthodox Council thus demands that Rome return to the historic liturgical practices that once prevailed in the universal and undivided Church which Rome either centuries ago or more recently has abandoned, namely:

A) The West should rediscover the practice of fasting and abstinence at various times in the liturgical year; that, as in England, the whole Western Church should return to the laudable custom of meatless Fridays; that all those who have the wherewithal to do so should be encouraged to abstain from all animal products every day of Lent and Advent; and that a more intense period of fasting before the reception of Holy Communion be assiduously observed by all.

B) The West should seriously consider admitting married men to the priesthood.

C) The West must restore the Eastward facing (ad orientem) position of the clergy at all liturgical functions.

D) Only one Mass should be celebrated publicly per day in any given church, that the divine office be celebrated publicly and become once again a daily part of the Church’s life.

E) Only ordained ministers should touch the Consecrated Species except under the rarest of circumstances.

F) The Pan-Orthodox Council affirms the newly found Western practice of permitting Communion under both kinds for the laity and of permitting liturgies celebrated in the vernacular.

5. Finally, Rome should seek to maintain unity with those communities who feel they cannot at present accept the “reformed” liturgy and encourage the public celebration of her unreformed rites.

The careful and informed observer of these suggestions will note the following: 1. Nothing in this list constitutes a change in doctrine. Therefore, no one in Rome can refuse out of hand to consider these demands seriously. 2. If Rome were to concede any of these demands, life in the Roman Church would most probably improve; and, 3. Eastern Orthodox bishops opposed to full communion with Rome should be encouraged to vote for such a resolution, because they could reasonably conclude that if such a resolution passed, Rome would never accede to such demands and thus the path to full communion would be rendered impossible. In this way, the Council could achieve the necessary votes to pass such a resolution.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Some Suggestions for the Upcoming Pan-Orthodox Council, Part 1

Word is beginning to spread that the Eastern Orthodox are going to have a worldwide, Pan-Orthodox Council in 2015. Contrary to what our detractors probably think, we at the EF have always been firm supporters of authentic ecumenical (i.e. inter-Christian) dialogue whereby, by prayer, fasting, and thoughtful theological exchange, all those who glory in the name of Christian might gradually grow together into that full, visible, and canonical unity so ardently desired for the Church by her Divine Founder, but contrary to what we could have possibly hoped for, none of us ever imagined that the Eastern Orthodox would convene such a council in our own lifetime. We thought perhaps that a single, autocephalous Orthodox jurisdiction would form in the United States, but never a world-wide pan-Orthodox council of all the Eastern Orthodox Churches.

It goes without saying that such events are very, very rare. Because the Orthodox are not agreed among themselves as to which was the last universally binding council, their theologians will either point to Nicea II (787) or Constantinople V (1351) as the last time authoritative representatives of their churches assembled to address matters of doctrine. Indeed, some might say that if there is no Roman Emperor or Czar to convene a council, it can only be pan-Orthodox, not ecumenical. 

Because no representative of either of the major Patriarchates has so far indicated what would be on the Council’s agenda, and no blogger has made any serious proposals for discussion, although we at the EF are not Eastern Orthodox, in the spirit of fraternal love and charity, we believe the following could make a serious contribution to the quest for unity between our respective Churches.

1. The question of the calendar should be permanently resolved.

2. The Council should commit its constituent Churches to pursue communion with Rome cautiously, first by affirming the following:

A) The Eastern Rites of the Catholic Church are an important historic reality that need not impede the path to unity and towards which the Eastern Orthodox Churches intend no animosity.

B) Rome is to be commended for encouraging de-Latinization among her Eastern Rites.

C) Rome is to ensure that the FIlioque not be recited in liturgical celebrations outside the Roman Rite in accordance with the sound practice of Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI.

3. The Pan-Orthodox Council should commit its constituent Churches:

A) To working with the papacy to re-evangelize Europe, to fight the onslaught of the totalitarian secularist state, and to defend the rights of Christians in the Muslim world;

B) Not to re-baptize, re-chrismate, or re-ordain Christians for any reason who have already received these sacraments in the Roman Catholic Church (i.e. to condemn with the Western Church the Donatist heresy);

C) To continue the work happily begun by the North American Orthodox-Catholic Theological Consultation, and to encourage it to face with courage whatever may be dividing the Churches in the theology of Augustine of Hippo or Anselm of Canterbury, and in the decrees of the First Vatican Council.

To be continued… [Edit: Part 2 can be read here.]

Monday, December 16, 2013

A Thank You to EF's Readers

Many of you will remember that about two and a half weeks ago I published a link begging for prayer because of a certain bind I was in and that I also invoked the aid of St. Philomena. I am pleased to report that all is well and I am certain that the prayer of you all (both on earth and in heaven) has had the salutarious effect that our Lord has promised us. Thank you.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Prayer Request

Yours Truly has found himself in quite a pickle due to some negligence on his part. Your prayers to get me through are greatly appreciated. Sancta Philomena, ora pro nobis!

Monday, November 11, 2013

Post-Modern Latin?

Someone on Facebook recently directed me to this blogpost:

And I thought the following expression of post-modern gobbledygook was fun!:

We should listen to the intertextual, multivocalities of postcolonial others outside of Western culture in order to learn about the phallogocentric biases that mediate our identities.

Someone then asked me to translate this to Latin and such was a very enjoyable exercise. Remember, one must translate not what a text says, but what a text means, and post-moderns should be able to appreciate that distinction precisely because they're constantly on the look out for meaning.

Anyway, here's my rendition in Latin:

Exaudiamus oportet textus et voces et modos cogitandi alienorum extra mundum Europaeorum quo melius inclinationes nefandas, quibus iniuste feminarum viri dominentur et quibus nosmetipsos non recte intelligamus, discamus.

Now, what do we find when we translate back to English? Something a bit more intelligible:

It behooves us to listen to the texts, voices, and modes of thought of those outside the world of Europeans so that we may better learn the wicked inclinations by which men unjustly exercise power over women and by which we incorrectly understand ourselves.

And so, in the final analysis, postmodern discourse is just like Holy Mass and the other sacraments: It's better in Latin.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

"Just friends"

A woman recently told one of my housemates that she "only wanted to be friends," even though they had gone on only one date. I told him he ought to retort thus:

"What is this just friends? There is nothing higher than friendship, for friendship is the bond that joins together the very Persons of the Trinity! And in fact, because your views of friendship are so impoverished, you clearly have no idea of what friendship is. I therefore deem you unworthy of it!"

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Support for the Pontiff and why I feel bad

As someone who likes affirmation, I must say that it feels nice to be regularly condemning Obama's proposed war in Syria. As we may be tottering on the brink of World War III, now is the perfect moment to come together with all people of good will and oppose the Masonic tyrants who run both Washington DC and Paris. In the words of the Psalmist, O Lord, "scatter thou the people that delight in war." (Ps. 68:30)

It goes without saying that we at the EF fully support and applaud Pope Francis for getting us through these turbulent times by a call for both prayer and fasting. Such is his duty. We encourage everyone, especially those pseudo-traditionalists who think that tradition equals the 1950s, to do a liquid fast from Friday afternoon until after Holy Communion on Sunday morning. If you can't at least do that, you're not hardcore. What would St. Jerome say?

Nevertheless, with all this just anti-war rhetoric, I still feel like a smelly leftist protesting Vietnam. Does anyone want to sing Kumbaya, Let there be Peace on Earth, and Dona Nobis Pacem around an Advent Wreath? 

(Please note: We don't worship in only one language because we're a diverse community.)

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Maximilian Hanlon's vindication?

Something fun (and onerous) from William Oddie:

 “Why can’t my brother Catholics get into their thick skulls that the Holy Father needs to consecrate Russia to the Immaculate Heart in union with all the Catholic bishops of the world. Otherwise, we are all going to die and the world will be destroyed. Sorry, that’s the Truth....In the post-Council Church the Catholic sense of intimacy with the divine has been wholly destroyed!” 

(Source: )

Please notice that the previous are literal quotations from sedevacantist (or almost sedevacantist) comments on one of Mr. Oddie's posts. Sedes really are as batshitcrazy as I've described.

And those of you who are sane enough not to fall into sedelunacy but don't approve of my parody need to A) get a sense of humor; and, B) try to purge the traditionalist world of such persons.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Sedevacantists and Archbishop Bugnini, Part 2

We continue with our series. Please note the connection between Collegeville and the sacred handshake.

During the Council, Bugnini, now a crazed demoniac, pushed for a liberalization of the Church’s moral theology, because he knew if he could somehow contrive the legalization of in vitro fertilization, he would eventually be capable of raising up an army of soulless zombie children, who would answer only to him and other like-minded liturgists. 

[Ed.: As everyone knows, children conceived by in vitro fertilization don’t have souls, but therefore they’re also conceived without original sin.] 

These children would then erect training camps in the West Indies under Judas’s watch where they would be instructed in the art of machete use, sharpening their skills on sugar plantations. It was Bugnini's plan that these products would fund his operations with the CIA in the United States and Taiwan to undermine the Catholic Church everywhere, but especially in Taiwan and the United States. These children when their skill level reached its height would be used by Bugnini to bully liturgists into accepting his revolution, because, as everyone knows, liturgists fear nothing more than full blown plantation revolts of highly trained, soulless, machete-bearing children – that’s a fact. Also during the Council, he hatched a deal with the gays since they were the up and coming new kids on the block on the Liturgy scene. Most of them were from Collegeville, after all. Faithful to their requests, he introduced the sign of peace into the liturgy, a pagan, homosexual custom, and convinced the Pope to make the deacon’s dalmatic optional, so that deacons in most places would only wear their stole across their chests; their stole is soon to be officially replaced with the rainbow sash by the year 2017, according to the concordat signed between Bugnini and the gays and kept in the secret Vatican archive. In exchange for these changes, the gay liturgists agreed to implement his program wherever they were sent in the emerging empire of the rainbow.

Anyway, after the New Mass was invented by Bugnini, the consilium, and the gays, an off-duty drunken Swiss guard, whose name has been erased from every parish record, was passed out lying in the streets of Rome near Bugnini’s residence. By some miraculous act of God, he heard Bugnini and his fellow conspirators consecrating the Church to Satan during their usual tea time. 

[Ed.: Fr. Malachi Martin has already documented this in one of his books, all based on fact.] 

The Swiss guard quickly informed the Pope of what was going on and the Pope got real pissed. Paul VI himself was even known to have said: “This displeases us greatly.” After pulling Bugnini into the office to find out if the sign of peace was really a bathhouse greeting, he immediately made Bugnini papal legate to Iran to punish him. He couldn’t admit that the new Mass was an abysmal failure or from hell or the gays, because then Archbishop Lefebvre would have won the 200,000 lire bet that the new Mass would never work. Plus, Giovanni already owed Marcel 50,000 for the world cup.

In Iran, Bugnini half-heartedly converted to Islam because he wanted to take a harem and to try to spirit channel Dido into one of his harem girls, but it was too late. The old witch was dead. Plus, Sufiism, the only sect of Mohamedanism which would permit such a thing, was outlawed in Iran and subject to open persecution by the Mullahs. 

Anyway, once Bugnini had died, Pope Benedict really hated what he and the other gay liturgists did to the Liturgy, and to get them back, Benedict asked President Bush in secret negotiations to nuke Mecca during Ramadan, before the rainbow sash could be universally implemented. With typical Germand candor, he told this to Candoleeza Rice before their last meeting. Plus, he was enraged that her mantilla was askew.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Sedevacantists and Archbishop Bugnini, Part 1

Our series continues with the first part of how Archbishop Annibale Bugnini became 100% evil, gave his life to Satan and the Masons, and nearly destroyed the Mass. The following account was recorded from the lips of a silly old hag who shouldn't have access to the internet. In part 2, we shall see all the gory details of Bugnini's destructive power at the Council and beyond and how the inspiration for the "sign of peace" came from a certain monastery in Minnesota.

Before Archbishop Bugnini was sent to Iran for destroying the Mass and practicing Satanic Masonry, he frequently channeled Judas Iscariot from the realm beyond to come up with “creative” “new” ways “to eucharist.” 

[Ed.: Remember, after his suicide, God in his mercy appointed Judas Zombie Patriarch of Elysium and the West Indies and Papal Legate to quasi-Christian communities, i.e. Voodoo peoples. This post has become especially important since Vatican II did away with Limbo. It should be noted that Chief Potowatami was appointed his coadjutor after he died in a raid by the French Jesuits in 1608. Marlon Brando was appointed Vicar General there recently.] 

Of course, Bugnini got into this practice in his boyish days when he would frequent a local witch who would spirit channel St. Jude to speak with him. This witch was also Bugnini’s classics tutor and later became his spiritual director. She directed him to read all about Roman History, especially his namesake, Hannibal. Fearing backlash from the Church for her wicked practices, this witch saw Bugnini’s potential and constantly encouraged him to resurrect Carthaginian paganism. She would frequently remind him that if he wanted to be named after a saint, he would have to destroy the Catholic Church, raise up the old religion of Carthage, make Dido his zombie bride, and use his knowledge of Catholic canonization practices to have Hannibal canonized in the unholy Carthaginian pagan rites of yore. 

[Ed.: These perverse and deviant rituals resemble an Assisi peace conference mixed with an ancient Aztec homoerotic blood ritual.]

Little Bugnini was also encouraged to pursue a career in the Church by his Masonic uncle, Guido Theobaldo and Guido’s third wife, Etheldra.

[Ed.: Etheldra, by the way, was a Jewess of the Cabalist sect and in all likelihood a third cousin of the Kennedies.]

These two consecrated their union during a Black Mass in Rome’s Hebrew ghetto, where the witch channeled Hannibal the Carthaginian into little Bugnini. With Hannibal inside him, Bugnini presided over the ceremony and he remained possessed ever since because the witch’s house work got away from her and she simply forgot to remove the general-spirit from Bugnini. But some say she did it on purpose and this was just her excuse.

To be continued...

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Sedevacantists and the Freestanding Altar

We now turn to the third installment of our series. One of the greatest disagreements (if not the greatest) amongst our sedevacantist brethren is who the last pope was and when exactly he ceased to be pope; or perhaps, which conclave it was that produced the antipope. While theories abound online, we offer here the best synthesis we have encountered from the better informed sedevacantist clergy, like Fr. Anthony Cekada. The following account also nicely explains the origin of the freestanding altar.

You want to know why the priest faces the people at Mass now? It has nothing to do with the people's participation and Sacrosanctum Concilium. The real reason is that Pope John XXIII made a bet with the President of the United Methodist Church in America, Ronald Dunesbury. Pope Angelo Roncalli was naturally playful at heart, and so asked Dunesbury to show him some games they played in America. Because Dunesbury was from Tennessee, he bet the Pope that he couldn't chug a whole gallon of milk in half an hour. “Good” Pope John with his great size and girth laughed at this and decided in broken English: “Why don't we make it a little more interesting?” Dunesbury asked for the terms of the wager: If the Methodist lost, Methodist preachers from thenceforth would be forced by Apostolic decree to wear the uniform of the Swiss Guard while preaching. If the Pope lost, all Catholic altars in the world would be turned around like the Methodists' and all Catholic hymnals would be forced to contain at least thirty percent of the hymns of John Wesley, which is true. Roncalli wanting to show off some of the pomp of the Papacy ordered Charlemagne's baptismal font to be filled with milk and brought into the room. From there he ladled exactly one gallon of milk into his triple tiara, while invoking the Holy Spirit's aid. It goes without saying that this ladle was really one of the three silver plated skulls of St. John the Baptist which he only brought out on special occasions, like the Saturnalia and Candlemas, to show off. Of course, like every mortal man, Roncalli lost the bet. Twenty-three minutes into it, he had only finished half the gallon when he signaled for his MC to bring him his golden chamber pot, which was a gift to the Holy See from Ferdinand and Isabella and made from all the gold the Jews left behind when they were expelled from Spain (which wasn't all that much if you think about those people). When he received it, he immediately let fly from the Apostolic gullet a gush of vomit, chicken bones, pasta, latte, and the unconsecrated communion wafers he was constantly snacking on which were the contents of his stomach. At this point, Roncalli abdicated the papal throne and became the first anti-pope in centuries. He also lost his faith at that very moment and started using the Methodist hymnal in his private chapel. That's why the priest faces the people at Mass now.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Sedevacantists and the “Sprit of Vatican II”

We continue with the next installment of our series on what the sedevacantist protestants, especially those who are aged and female, might actually believe. Our next segment tackles the personal history of Fr. Karl Rhaner SJ and seeks to explain why the Vatican II documents are so massive but seemingly say so little. 

Karl Rhaner, the dissenting heretical pseudo-theologian who was a peritus at Vatican II, was really possessed by the restless soul of a slave woman named Nini from the American south. Back in 1869 Nini was lynched by the KKK for being “an uppity negress." Because she was hung from a tree she really hated trees, and saw Rhaner as her way of destroying the rain forest. 

Let me explain. This Titchaba spirit got Rhaner to help produce the most loquacious Council in the history of the Church: Vatican II, printing massive amounts of paper containing things no one cared about and fewer would ever read. Of course, the world will never be the same primarily because so many trees had to be destroyed to produce the massive amount of paper to produce all these boring documents and commentary. To date, 17% of the rain forest has been destroyed to print Vatican II documents. Dignitatis Humanae and the subsistit of Lumen Gentium 8 are responsible for a full 6%. This explains why Vatican II and post-conciliar encyclicals keep getting bigger and bigger, using up more and more paper, but they continue to have less and less substance. 

Titchaba was also the Voodoo high-priestess of the god of nonsense-speak, so now that Rhaner's dead, she resides at Franciscan University of Steubenville in Christ the King Chapel only venturing out across to the auditorium when they have Renewal meetings or Scot Hahn talks so that whenever the charismaniacs there speak in tongues, it's really Titchaba giving forth pagan voodoo curses in her African speak. She also got Stuebie to promote the Theology of the Body because to do natural family planning you have to use a lot of cotton swabs to take the samples. This cotton is Nini's exaltation of her ancient work. Suffice it to say, she really likes aspirin too. Even to this day you can hear NNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEE --------------------NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE --------------------  TITCHA-BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! echoing through the Paul VI audience hall in the Vatican late at night. Nini the Titchaba spirit is the real "spirit of Vatican II."

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Ecumenical Dialogue with the Sedevacantists?

Believe it or not, even we here at the EF are open to ecumenical dialogue, at least with certain groups of people whom the post-conciliar church has not always cheerfully welcomed into fellowship. Chief among these are, of course, the Society of Pope Pius X and our Eastern Orthodox brethren. We have also always supported the struggle of those orthodox Anglicans who are now seeking refuge in the Barque of Peter through the various Ordinariates worldwide in their godly effort to maintain sanity in the face of buttface ugly lady-preachers; nevertheless, we have thus far not considered other groups of godly Christian folk who are small in number but great in zeal (although not according to knowledge), commonly called sedevacantists. These conservative protestants need our help, especially because, left to their own devices, their sanctuaries so overflow with ugly and effeminate lace products that one would think that their clergy wear tablecloths instead of albs. The difficulty, however, when trying to dialogue with such persons in the spirit of Christian charity is that, like all protestants, they seem so divided amongst themselves that they cannot offer the world a unified and coherent account of what they actually believe. To remedy such divisiveness, Tancred and I have actually spent quite a bit of time talking to real sedevacantists of all types, both men and women, old and young, but mostly old women, to understand better where they are coming from. We have also spent considerable time putting together their various accounts of the origins of certain post-conciliar novelties and their views of certain churchmen who have played an important rôle in the life of the contemporary Church. This has been a labor of love to help the various sedevacantist protestant groups determine better what they might actually believe.

Over the course of the next two weeks or so, I shall be posting what we believe the authentic sedevacantist positions on various issues and people are in the spirit of rigorous honesty and Christian love. We hope that all our readers consider these claims seriously and do penance that these and all other protestants might recant their errors and return to the bosom of Holy Church whom they have offended by their various errors and stupidities. And because this blog has a special affection and devotion to His Eminence, Princess Roger Michael Cardinal Mahoney, Archbishop of Los Angeles, I thought it fitting to begin with the sedevacantist account of his roots, which find below.

Recently Cardinal Roger Mahoney invited Vladimir Putin to his new Our Lady of the Angels Cathedral in Los Angeles, i.e. the “Raj Mahal.” The purpose of this meeting was to desecrate and purge the relics of St. Vibiana of any dignity or holiness they might yet possess after being under the charge of Princess Roger for so long by a dark and perverse ritual involving their secret Masonic tattoos.

Of course, everybody knows the real reason he's in cahoots with Putin: He really wants to be king of Mexico and he thinks Putin's the man to put him there on the throne of Montazuma. You've all heard of Montazuma's revenge being diahrea? It's not. It's Mahoney: Mahoneyriah. Although this claim to the throne of Mexico may seem absurd coming from an ecclesial prince with an Irish surname, Mahonney has had a team of Mormons putting together his proper genealogy to prove that he has some claim at least to the throne of Mexico. This is what they've come up with. I swear it must be true; I read it in Catholic Family News and Der Spiegel.

You see, according to legend Montazuma sent his daughter to make sweet love to Cortez to divinize his blood line because he thought that Cortez was the Aztec god of the feathered serpent, Cuatzlcoatl. The Cortez-Montazuma bastard which issued forth from that union would one day give Mahoney his special claim to the throne of the heathen Aztecs. During the Mexican American war, the Irish contingent of American soldiers who took offense at the blaspheming of Catholic churches by the heretical protestants in their ranks, in conscience were forced to switch to the Mexican side and were known as the San Patricios. They fought for the one true faith of Jesus. One of the San Patricios, a certain Shemus Mahonney, sired a bastard son with a Flamenco dancer named Maria Theresa Catalina Guadalupe Ascensione Rosario Hernandez, who also had some distant blood relations to the Dukes of Gandia. Shemus didn't escape the charge of treason brought against him by the U.S. army when the war was over. He and all the other San Patricios were hung for treason, but Maria Theresa Catalina Guadalupe Ascensione Rosario Hernandez escaped with Shemus's seed in her belly and took refuge in Belize until she was safe, making her living dancing before British sailors. When it was safe, she returned to her homeland where she raised little Fernando Mahonney as a ranch hand.

Now pay attention because here's where it gets interesting. During the American Civil War, since the whole country was engulfed in bitter fighting, the Monroe doctrine was easily ignored by European powers, and Maximilian II, a Hapsburg (a family which, as we all know, starting with Charles V claimed descent from pious Aeneas himself), captured all of Mexico and made it his own, declaring himself emperor. Like any emperor he took delight in befriending servant girls, and by “befriending,” I mean it in the royal sense of the word. Imperial “befriendment” is equivalent to biblical “knowledge” after all. Maximilian's illegitimate daughter, Sancha de la Cruz von Hapsburg, was a beautiful young lady and by an act of fate or Masonic cunning came to be courted by the slightly older Fernando Mahoney. After Maximilian was deposed Sancha became a milk maid at the same ranch Fernando worked. After a night of drinking on the feast of St. Vibiana they took the classical role "in the hay." Fernando being an honorable man decided to wed Sancha. Their son, Julio Mahonney, ended up marrying the long-forgotten descendent of the Cortex-Montazuma blood line named Rose Maciella Hanlon who having no other nobility in her blood other than Cortez-Montazuma, still at least had a third cousin who grew up with the Kennedies. Their grandson is Roger, Cardinal Prince of Los Angeles and soon to be king of Mexico.

Of course, Mahoney has been promised by the Masons that if he stays faithful to his anti-biblical agenda, he can retire in peace in his own Mexican fiefdom complete with his own anti-Pope, security guards of ninjas, air force, and brothel where he can continue his hedonistic agenda of promoting Cardinal Bernadine as the best thing since Jesus and canonize Che Guavera, Caesar Chavez, and Oscar de la Hoya as saints of New Church.

Friday, August 9, 2013

And then the UNTHINKABLE happens...

The Episcopal "Church" USA is (once again) "enriching" its liturgical books by adding all sorts of people to its liturgical calendar, including Frederick Douglas, Cardinal Newman, Joan of Arc, Elizabeth Ann Seton, Teilhard de Chardin, Thurgood Marshall, Nicholas Copernicus, John Calvin, Harriet Beecher Stowe, J.S. Bach, Charles de Foucauld, and Pope John XXIII. You can read all about it here:

But the strangest addition is by far G.K. Chesterton, to be commemorated June 13th. I think we can safely assume that if Gilbert were alive today, he would have satirized the malfeasance of many Episcopal clergy, including "Bishop" Schori, and exposed them to public ridicule; nevertheless, in the Augustinian spirit of "gold out of Egypt," let us consider the collect proposed for our dear Gilbert:
O God of earth and altar, who didst give G. K. Chesterton a ready tongue and pen, and inspired him to use them in thy service: Mercifully grant that we may be inspired to witness cheerfully to the hope that is in us; through Jesus Christ our Savior, who liveth and reigneth with thee and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen. (p. 425 of the pdf)

Yours Truly proposes that we turn such liturgical revisionism to an happy issue thus:

O God of earth and altar, who didst give thy servant Gilbert Keith Chesterton a ready wit, a caustic tongue, and a nimble pen, to the extirpation of error and the infatuation of the vain: Mercifully grant that by his prayers and merits we may be inspired to witness cheerfully to the hope that is in us and hear thy laughter in the congregation of the righteous; through Jesus Christ our Savior, who liveth and reigneth with thee and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.
Gilbert Keith Chesterton, ora pro nobis (and pray for us too)!