Over the course of the next two weeks or so, I shall be posting what we believe the authentic sedevacantist positions on various issues and people are in the spirit of rigorous honesty and Christian love. We hope that all our readers consider these claims seriously and do penance that these and all other protestants might recant their errors and return to the bosom of Holy Church whom they have offended by their various errors and stupidities. And because this blog has a special affection and devotion to His Eminence, Princess Roger Michael Cardinal Mahoney, Archbishop of Los Angeles, I thought it fitting to begin with the sedevacantist account of his roots, which find below.
Recently Cardinal Roger Mahoney invited Vladimir Putin to his new Our Lady of the Angels Cathedral in Los Angeles, i.e. the “Raj Mahal.” The purpose of this meeting was to desecrate and purge the relics of St. Vibiana of any dignity or holiness they might yet possess after being under the charge of Princess Roger for so long by a dark and perverse ritual involving their secret Masonic tattoos.
Of course, everybody knows the real reason he's in cahoots with Putin: He really wants to be king of Mexico and he thinks Putin's the man to put him there on the throne of Montazuma. You've all heard of Montazuma's revenge being diahrea? It's not. It's Mahoney: Mahoneyriah. Although this claim to the throne of Mexico may seem absurd coming from an ecclesial prince with an Irish surname, Mahonney has had a team of Mormons putting together his proper genealogy to prove that he has some claim at least to the throne of Mexico. This is what they've come up with. I swear it must be true; I read it in Catholic Family News and Der Spiegel.
You see, according to legend Montazuma sent his daughter to make sweet love to Cortez to divinize his blood line because he thought that Cortez was the Aztec god of the feathered serpent, Cuatzlcoatl. The Cortez-Montazuma bastard which issued forth from that union would one day give Mahoney his special claim to the throne of the heathen Aztecs. During the Mexican American war, the Irish contingent of American soldiers who took offense at the blaspheming of Catholic churches by the heretical protestants in their ranks, in conscience were forced to switch to the Mexican side and were known as the San Patricios. They fought for the one true faith of Jesus. One of the San Patricios, a certain Shemus Mahonney, sired a bastard son with a Flamenco dancer named Maria Theresa Catalina Guadalupe Ascensione Rosario Hernandez, who also had some distant blood relations to the Dukes of Gandia. Shemus didn't escape the charge of treason brought against him by the U.S. army when the war was over. He and all the other San Patricios were hung for treason, but Maria Theresa Catalina Guadalupe Ascensione Rosario Hernandez escaped with Shemus's seed in her belly and took refuge in Belize until she was safe, making her living dancing before British sailors. When it was safe, she returned to her homeland where she raised little Fernando Mahonney as a ranch hand.
Now pay attention because here's where it gets interesting. During the American Civil War, since the whole country was engulfed in bitter fighting, the Monroe doctrine was easily ignored by European powers, and Maximilian II, a Hapsburg (a family which, as we all know, starting with Charles V claimed descent from pious Aeneas himself), captured all of Mexico and made it his own, declaring himself emperor. Like any emperor he took delight in befriending servant girls, and by “befriending,” I mean it in the royal sense of the word. Imperial “befriendment” is equivalent to biblical “knowledge” after all. Maximilian's illegitimate daughter, Sancha de la Cruz von Hapsburg, was a beautiful young lady and by an act of fate or Masonic cunning came to be courted by the slightly older Fernando Mahoney. After Maximilian was deposed Sancha became a milk maid at the same ranch Fernando worked. After a night of drinking on the feast of St. Vibiana they took the classical role "in the hay." Fernando being an honorable man decided to wed Sancha. Their son, Julio Mahonney, ended up marrying the long-forgotten descendent of the Cortex-Montazuma blood line named Rose Maciella Hanlon who having no other nobility in her blood other than Cortez-Montazuma, still at least had a third cousin who grew up with the Kennedies. Their grandson is Roger, Cardinal Prince of Los Angeles and soon to be king of Mexico.
Of course, Mahoney has been promised by the Masons that if he stays faithful to his anti-biblical agenda, he can retire in peace in his own Mexican fiefdom complete with his own anti-Pope, security guards of ninjas, air force, and brothel where he can continue his hedonistic agenda of promoting Cardinal Bernadine as the best thing since Jesus and canonize Che Guavera, Caesar Chavez, and Oscar de la Hoya as saints of New Church.