Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Sedevacantists and the Freestanding Altar

We now turn to the third installment of our series. One of the greatest disagreements (if not the greatest) amongst our sedevacantist brethren is who the last pope was and when exactly he ceased to be pope; or perhaps, which conclave it was that produced the antipope. While theories abound online, we offer here the best synthesis we have encountered from the better informed sedevacantist clergy, like Fr. Anthony Cekada. The following account also nicely explains the origin of the freestanding altar.

You want to know why the priest faces the people at Mass now? It has nothing to do with the people's participation and Sacrosanctum Concilium. The real reason is that Pope John XXIII made a bet with the President of the United Methodist Church in America, Ronald Dunesbury. Pope Angelo Roncalli was naturally playful at heart, and so asked Dunesbury to show him some games they played in America. Because Dunesbury was from Tennessee, he bet the Pope that he couldn't chug a whole gallon of milk in half an hour. “Good” Pope John with his great size and girth laughed at this and decided in broken English: “Why don't we make it a little more interesting?” Dunesbury asked for the terms of the wager: If the Methodist lost, Methodist preachers from thenceforth would be forced by Apostolic decree to wear the uniform of the Swiss Guard while preaching. If the Pope lost, all Catholic altars in the world would be turned around like the Methodists' and all Catholic hymnals would be forced to contain at least thirty percent of the hymns of John Wesley, which is true. Roncalli wanting to show off some of the pomp of the Papacy ordered Charlemagne's baptismal font to be filled with milk and brought into the room. From there he ladled exactly one gallon of milk into his triple tiara, while invoking the Holy Spirit's aid. It goes without saying that this ladle was really one of the three silver plated skulls of St. John the Baptist which he only brought out on special occasions, like the Saturnalia and Candlemas, to show off. Of course, like every mortal man, Roncalli lost the bet. Twenty-three minutes into it, he had only finished half the gallon when he signaled for his MC to bring him his golden chamber pot, which was a gift to the Holy See from Ferdinand and Isabella and made from all the gold the Jews left behind when they were expelled from Spain (which wasn't all that much if you think about those people). When he received it, he immediately let fly from the Apostolic gullet a gush of vomit, chicken bones, pasta, latte, and the unconsecrated communion wafers he was constantly snacking on which were the contents of his stomach. At this point, Roncalli abdicated the papal throne and became the first anti-pope in centuries. He also lost his faith at that very moment and started using the Methodist hymnal in his private chapel. That's why the priest faces the people at Mass now.


  1. A friend sent me this saying that Fr. Anthony Cekada had said these things and while you don't actually credit him with these comments, you seem to infer that he made them. If he did, could you please list the source? Thanks!

  2. Guys. The question of the pope is serious matter.

    The recognize-and-resist vs sede discussion should be conducted on the highest possible intellectual level.

    I truly don'y understand what are you trying to do here, in this three posts.

  3. @Rebecca: This is a parody. If you cannot realize that from the content, you need to stop reading anything online.

    @Sedevacantists in general: The reason I am doing this series is to challenge you to rethink your position. If what you believe is true, you ought to rethink your whole commitment to the (first) Vatican Council and become Eastern Orthodox. They, after all, decided that God had abandoned the Roman See a LONG time ago more or less for the same kinds of reasons you do.

    Keep in mind that even in the eleventh century, the Church of Constantinople had excommunicated the Roman See for the sin of simony, which has always been considered the mother of all heresies. Thus, even then there were grave doctrinal and moral problems coming from Rome. Two popes were also excommunicated by ecumenical councils. Thus, history does NOT offer a sinless papacy. Popes have made any number of grave and/or stupid administrative errors through history and no serious historian can deny it. You either believe that the Pope is necessarily a member of the Church or you don't. And if you don't, you should have no qualms about converting to a different Church.

    Which is to say: if you want any respect, swim the Bosporus. Until then, be prepared for even more parodies of your "explanations" for "what happened."