Friday, May 31, 2013

Today's Humour

We found this on AMU's Classic Department's website:

Not only do we have a robust core curriculum at Ave Maria University, but most of our students fulfill the language study requirement by taking Latin. A very considerable number – especially in light of the fact that we are a Catholic, not a protestant university – do Greek as well. 

To which we respond thus:

Insofar as Ave Maria University is a Catholic and not a Protestant institution:

...the administration does not permit earth-worshipping lesbian witches to put on sacerdotal vestments and to try to confect the Sacrament. It regrets that the Church even allows such persons to become nuns, and happily not for very much longer.

...all the choir members are paid, for this is not Methodist endeavour.

...all students begin learning Latin before learning Greek, for the administration is most suspicious of the tendency of the lingua Gaeculorum to ferment heresy. Those who prefer Greek to Latin are officially warned by the Holy Inquisition that their views on various subjects are, if not erroneous, then at least unfit for pious ears.

...women are encouraged to wear unseemly chapel veils instead of hats, for hats are A) protestant; and, B) a potential incitement to distraction and thoughts of royal weddings at Holy Mass.

...the mandates of the federal government required by law are given the attention they are deemed to merit, and thus promptly disregarded.

...the "meat" served in the cafeteria never meets the canonical requirements for fleshmeats; wherefore, the University saves great sums of money and the whole university community observes perpetual abstinence.

...faculty members are regularly encouraged to aspire to the ideal of a Josephite marriage, yet also have a dozen children. Those whose families are less than six are privately accounted guilty of following the letter of Humanae Vitae, but not its spirit.

...female students are admitted, solely so that the University can remain financially solvent. Should the University's financial situation change, the faculty intend to become as exclusively male and patriarchal as the Roman Curia, the universe, and the most holy and undivided Trinity.

...faculty are not permitted to wear tweed, unless they are officially members of the Society of Charles, King and Martyr; in which case, they would never chose to wear tweed anyway.


  1. This is brilliant. And Google Ads does not fail to try to protest by serving me an ad for a presbyterian church in my neighborhood right under this article on the front page.

  2. You should be appointed Chancellor, Provost and Director of Everything. And I'm not kidding.