A Note to our Readers

It is presumed that all the readers of this blog are endowed with a modicum of reason and education. If, therefore, any critic fails to receive a response from us, such a person is hereby informed that he has been deemed unfit of correspondence. This holds true especially if a response is positively refused.

The Index, Part 2

The Magisterium exercised by the EF has felt the need to add the following to the Index already published here. All the Church’s faithful are requested to avoid so much as thinking of the following concepts under pain of incurring our most grievous displeasure.

America Online

The American Revolution

Animal “rights”

Anthony Ruff

Archbishop Weakland

Aristotelian objections to creatio ex nihilo, Plato, the immortality of the soul, and the multiplicity of human intellects

Benedictine sodomites in Minnesota (You know who you are.)

Bishops (including popes) who fail to use the imperial we

Blogs

Cardinal Bernadine

Complaining

Conciliarism

The Da Vinci Code

Dan Schutte and his “music”

Dead Man Walking

Emplotment
Excising verses from the psalms

Gynoforce

Liminality

Liturgical Renewal

Love bubbles

Metanarratives

MTV
"Muslim" instead of "Mohammedan"

Muumuus

Objections to the just use of capital punishment

Objections to relics, relics, images, and the Immaculate Conception

Omitting the Athanasian Creed

Pacifism

Paisley neckties

Peace Studies

People who refuse to pull their pants up

Phallogocentrism (the word not the idea)

Pornocracy

Pronouncing Te Deum as tedium

The prefix inter- in unacceptable neologisms (e.g. interfaith, intersex, intertextuality)

Puritanism

Refusal to argue from facts or to argue rationally at all

Samuel Becket

Separatism

Sister Hellen Prejean

Social network theory

Spending too much money on pets

Spiritual angular alignment (with anything)

Things you need to be happy

The Thirty-Nine Articles of the C of E

Turning nouns into verbs in an unacceptable fashion (e.g. to parameterize)

Twitter

Universalism

Vegan alternatives to meat products

Waiting for Godot

Whining

Wrongly pronouncing English or Latin

Your truth (but not mine)

Another Prayer Request

In light of how powerful were the prayers of my readers last time round, I bid your prayers once again for a priest who (I believe) has been wrongly accused of wrongdoing. St. Philomena and St. John Vianney, orate pro nobis!

Liturgy Wars, Part 1

Fr. Hunwicke, God bless him, has brought something hideous to our attention here and here. Fr. Michael J. Butler, a "liturgist" (falsely so called) of the diocese of Brentwood, UK, has decided to spew some oral diarrhea about the new translation of the missal in The Tablet. Because said periodical is more cheap and money pinching than even The New York Times, one cannot read his errors on The Tablet's website without spending an obscene amount of money, but you can read (probably illegally) his excrement here. Going so far as to call the new translation's imposition upon the clergy "illegal," he advocates that priests simply disobey and return to the old "translation" (again, falsely so called) that smells as bad as the shag carpet that his ilk put into churches in the '70s to cover up beautiful mosaics. Fr. Hunwicke has suggested that those of us opposed to this kind of insubordination and disorderliness, be we traditionalists or reform-of-the-reform types, need to man up and join ranks to oppose Fr. Butler's emetic and the liberal activism that undergirds it. We at the EF would go so far as to invite even the charismatic and pentecostal types (à la Steubenville) to join us in raising the alarm. If the liberals will not obey and conform to the new translations, they are in no rationally consistent position to criticize the "disobedient" (falsely so called yet again) celebration of the old Latin Mass, and apparently they need to be reminded of the fact.

So people, freak out, break the occasional piece of stuff you don't really need, get angry, and make some demands. If Fr. Butler will not retract his views and mop up the mess, the priests and laity of his diocese are more than justified in speaking out and refusing to obey his diktats. What is more, if he will not retract, he deserves a good public shaming and contempt for leading people into de facto schism. King Baby needs to be dethroned, and it is high time we throw over the high chair.

Some Suggestions for the Upcoming Pan-Orthodox Council, Part 2

[The first part of this post can be read here.]

Having cautiously committed itself to further dialogue with Rome, the Pan-Orthodox Council should then make clear that the behavior of certain Popes of recent memory is as much a cause of disunity as what divides the Churches doctrinally. Indeed, full communion is simply impossible until the Eastern Churches clearly see that the Bishop of Rome can be trusted to govern the portion of the Lord’s flock entrusted to his care with diligence, justice, and prudence. To provide the Pope with an opportunity to earn and nourish this trust and to elicit from him the kinds of compromises that full communion will necessarily require, the Pan-Orthodox Council should make the following demands:

1. The Western Church should conform to the Eastern date for the celebration of Easter.

2. Rome must respect that right of her Eastern Rites to ordain married men to the priesthood in every place.

3. Rome must desist from any kind of inter-religious dialogue with non-Christians, including Jews and Muslims, that suggests that the Church does not seek the conversion of non-Christians to explicit faith in Jesus Christ, true God, true man, the prophesied Jewish Messiah, and God the Father’s definitive answer to mankind’s problems.

4. Most importantly, the Pope must realize that the liturgy as celebrated in accordance with most of the reforms authorized after the Second Vatican Council is as much a stumbling block to unity as the doctrines that divide us. The Pan-Orthodox Council thus demands that Rome return to the historic liturgical practices that once prevailed in the universal and undivided Church which Rome either centuries ago or more recently has abandoned, namely:

A) The West should rediscover the practice of fasting and abstinence at various times in the liturgical year; that, as in England, the whole Western Church should return to the laudable custom of meatless Fridays; that all those who have the wherewithal to do so should be encouraged to abstain from all animal products every day of Lent and Advent; and that a more intense period of fasting before the reception of Holy Communion be assiduously observed by all.

B) The West should seriously consider admitting married men to the priesthood.

C) The West must restore the Eastward facing (ad orientem) position of the clergy at all liturgical functions.

D) Only one Mass should be celebrated publicly per day in any given church, that the divine office be celebrated publicly and become once again a daily part of the Church’s life.

E) Only ordained ministers should touch the Consecrated Species except under the rarest of circumstances.

F) The Pan-Orthodox Council affirms the newly found Western practice of permitting Communion under both kinds for the laity and of permitting liturgies celebrated in the vernacular.

5. Finally, Rome should seek to maintain unity with those communities who feel they cannot at present accept the “reformed” liturgy and encourage the public celebration of her unreformed rites.

The careful and informed observer of these suggestions will note the following: 1. Nothing in this list constitutes a change in doctrine. Therefore, no one in Rome can refuse out of hand to consider these demands seriously. 2. If Rome were to concede any of these demands, life in the Roman Church would most probably improve; and, 3. Eastern Orthodox bishops opposed to full communion with Rome should be encouraged to vote for such a resolution, because they could reasonably conclude that if such a resolution passed, Rome would never accede to such demands and thus the path to full communion would be rendered impossible. In this way, the Council could achieve the necessary votes to pass such a resolution.

Some Suggestions for the Upcoming Pan-Orthodox Council, Part 1

Word is beginning to spread that the Eastern Orthodox are going to have a worldwide, Pan-Orthodox Council in 2015. Contrary to what our detractors probably think, we at the EF have always been firm supporters of authentic ecumenical (i.e. inter-Christian) dialogue whereby, by prayer, fasting, and thoughtful theological exchange, all those who glory in the name of Christian might gradually grow together into that full, visible, and canonical unity so ardently desired for the Church by her Divine Founder, but contrary to what we could have possibly hoped for, none of us ever imagined that the Eastern Orthodox would convene such a council in our own lifetime. We thought perhaps that a single, autocephalous Orthodox jurisdiction would form in the United States, but never a world-wide pan-Orthodox council of all the Eastern Orthodox Churches.

It goes without saying that such events are very, very rare. Because the Orthodox are not agreed among themselves as to which was the last universally binding council, their theologians will either point to Nicea II (787) or Constantinople V (1351) as the last time authoritative representatives of their churches assembled to address matters of doctrine. Indeed, some might say that if there is no Roman Emperor or Czar to convene a council, it can only be pan-Orthodox, not ecumenical. 

Because no representative of either of the major Patriarchates has so far indicated what would be on the Council’s agenda, and no blogger has made any serious proposals for discussion, although we at the EF are not Eastern Orthodox, in the spirit of fraternal love and charity, we believe the following could make a serious contribution to the quest for unity between our respective Churches.

1. The question of the calendar should be permanently resolved.

2. The Council should commit its constituent Churches to pursue communion with Rome cautiously, first by affirming the following:

A) The Eastern Rites of the Catholic Church are an important historic reality that need not impede the path to unity and towards which the Eastern Orthodox Churches intend no animosity.

B) Rome is to be commended for encouraging de-Latinization among her Eastern Rites.

C) Rome is to ensure that the FIlioque not be recited in liturgical celebrations outside the Roman Rite in accordance with the sound practice of Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI.

3. The Pan-Orthodox Council should commit its constituent Churches:

A) To working with the papacy to re-evangelize Europe, to fight the onslaught of the totalitarian secularist state, and to defend the rights of Christians in the Muslim world;

B) Not to re-baptize, re-chrismate, or re-ordain Christians for any reason who have already received these sacraments in the Roman Catholic Church (i.e. to condemn with the Western Church the Donatist heresy);

C) To continue the work happily begun by the North American Orthodox-Catholic Theological Consultation, and to encourage it to face with courage whatever may be dividing the Churches in the theology of Augustine of Hippo or Anselm of Canterbury, and in the decrees of the First Vatican Council.

To be continued… [Edit: Part 2 can be read here.]

A Thank You to EF's Readers

Many of you will remember that about two and a half weeks ago I published a link begging for prayer because of a certain bind I was in and that I also invoked the aid of St. Philomena. I am pleased to report that all is well and I am certain that the prayer of you all (both on earth and in heaven) has had the salutarious effect that our Lord has promised us. Thank you.

Prayer Request

Yours Truly has found himself in quite a pickle due to some negligence on his part. Your prayers to get me through are greatly appreciated. Sancta Philomena, ora pro nobis!

Post-Modern Latin?

Someone on Facebook recently directed me to this blogpost:

http://thepaperthinhymn.com/2010/01/26/how-to-speak-post-modernism/

And I thought the following expression of post-modern gobbledygook was fun!:

We should listen to the intertextual, multivocalities of postcolonial others outside of Western culture in order to learn about the phallogocentric biases that mediate our identities.

Someone then asked me to translate this to Latin and such was a very enjoyable exercise. Remember, one must translate not what a text says, but what a text means, and post-moderns should be able to appreciate that distinction precisely because they're constantly on the look out for meaning.

Anyway, here's my rendition in Latin:

Exaudiamus oportet textus et voces et modos cogitandi alienorum extra mundum Europaeorum quo melius inclinationes nefandas, quibus iniuste feminarum viri dominentur et quibus nosmetipsos non recte intelligamus, discamus.

Now, what do we find when we translate back to English? Something a bit more intelligible:

It behooves us to listen to the texts, voices, and modes of thought of those outside the world of Europeans so that we may better learn the wicked inclinations by which men unjustly exercise power over women and by which we incorrectly understand ourselves.

And so, in the final analysis, postmodern discourse is just like Holy Mass and the other sacraments: It's better in Latin.

"Just friends"

A woman recently told one of my housemates that she "only wanted to be friends," even though they had gone on only one date. I told him he ought to retort thus:

"What is this just friends? There is nothing higher than friendship, for friendship is the bond that joins together the very Persons of the Trinity! And in fact, because your views of friendship are so impoverished, you clearly have no idea of what friendship is. I therefore deem you unworthy of it!"

Support for the Pontiff and why I feel bad

As someone who likes affirmation, I must say that it feels nice to be regularly condemning Obama's proposed war in Syria. As we may be tottering on the brink of World War III, now is the perfect moment to come together with all people of good will and oppose the Masonic tyrants who run both Washington DC and Paris. In the words of the Psalmist, O Lord, "scatter thou the people that delight in war." (Ps. 68:30)

It goes without saying that we at the EF fully support and applaud Pope Francis for getting us through these turbulent times by a call for both prayer and fasting. Such is his duty. We encourage everyone, especially those pseudo-traditionalists who think that tradition equals the 1950s, to do a liquid fast from Friday afternoon until after Holy Communion on Sunday morning. If you can't at least do that, you're not hardcore. What would St. Jerome say?

Nevertheless, with all this just anti-war rhetoric, I still feel like a smelly leftist protesting Vietnam. Does anyone want to sing Kumbaya, Let there be Peace on Earth, and Dona Nobis Pacem around an Advent Wreath? 

(Please note: We don't worship in only one language because we're a diverse community.)

Maximilian Hanlon's vindication?

Something fun (and onerous) from William Oddie:

 “Why can’t my brother Catholics get into their thick skulls that the Holy Father needs to consecrate Russia to the Immaculate Heart in union with all the Catholic bishops of the world. Otherwise, we are all going to die and the world will be destroyed. Sorry, that’s the Truth....In the post-Council Church the Catholic sense of intimacy with the divine has been wholly destroyed!” 

(Source: http://www.catholicherald.co.uk/commentandblogs/2013/08/21/do-you-accept-that-the-third-secret-of-fatima-has-been-revealed-then-according-to-some-you-are-catholic-lite/ )

Please notice that the previous are literal quotations from sedevacantist (or almost sedevacantist) comments on one of Mr. Oddie's posts. Sedes really are as batshitcrazy as I've described.

And those of you who are sane enough not to fall into sedelunacy but don't approve of my parody need to A) get a sense of humor; and, B) try to purge the traditionalist world of such persons.

Sedevacantists and Archbishop Bugnini, Part 2

We continue with our series. Please note the connection between Collegeville and the sacred handshake.

During the Council, Bugnini, now a crazed demoniac, pushed for a liberalization of the Church’s moral theology, because he knew if he could somehow contrive the legalization of in vitro fertilization, he would eventually be capable of raising up an army of soulless zombie children, who would answer only to him and other like-minded liturgists. 

[Ed.: As everyone knows, children conceived by in vitro fertilization don’t have souls, but therefore they’re also conceived without original sin.] 

These children would then erect training camps in the West Indies under Judas’s watch where they would be instructed in the art of machete use, sharpening their skills on sugar plantations. It was Bugnini's plan that these products would fund his operations with the CIA in the United States and Taiwan to undermine the Catholic Church everywhere, but especially in Taiwan and the United States. These children when their skill level reached its height would be used by Bugnini to bully liturgists into accepting his revolution, because, as everyone knows, liturgists fear nothing more than full blown plantation revolts of highly trained, soulless, machete-bearing children – that’s a fact. Also during the Council, he hatched a deal with the gays since they were the up and coming new kids on the block on the Liturgy scene. Most of them were from Collegeville, after all. Faithful to their requests, he introduced the sign of peace into the liturgy, a pagan, homosexual custom, and convinced the Pope to make the deacon’s dalmatic optional, so that deacons in most places would only wear their stole across their chests; their stole is soon to be officially replaced with the rainbow sash by the year 2017, according to the concordat signed between Bugnini and the gays and kept in the secret Vatican archive. In exchange for these changes, the gay liturgists agreed to implement his program wherever they were sent in the emerging empire of the rainbow.

Anyway, after the New Mass was invented by Bugnini, the consilium, and the gays, an off-duty drunken Swiss guard, whose name has been erased from every parish record, was passed out lying in the streets of Rome near Bugnini’s residence. By some miraculous act of God, he heard Bugnini and his fellow conspirators consecrating the Church to Satan during their usual tea time. 

[Ed.: Fr. Malachi Martin has already documented this in one of his books, all based on fact.] 

The Swiss guard quickly informed the Pope of what was going on and the Pope got real pissed. Paul VI himself was even known to have said: “This displeases us greatly.” After pulling Bugnini into the office to find out if the sign of peace was really a bathhouse greeting, he immediately made Bugnini papal legate to Iran to punish him. He couldn’t admit that the new Mass was an abysmal failure or from hell or the gays, because then Archbishop Lefebvre would have won the 200,000 lire bet that the new Mass would never work. Plus, Giovanni already owed Marcel 50,000 for the world cup.

In Iran, Bugnini half-heartedly converted to Islam because he wanted to take a harem and to try to spirit channel Dido into one of his harem girls, but it was too late. The old witch was dead. Plus, Sufiism, the only sect of Mohamedanism which would permit such a thing, was outlawed in Iran and subject to open persecution by the Mullahs. 

Anyway, once Bugnini had died, Pope Benedict really hated what he and the other gay liturgists did to the Liturgy, and to get them back, Benedict asked President Bush in secret negotiations to nuke Mecca during Ramadan, before the rainbow sash could be universally implemented. With typical Germand candor, he told this to Candoleeza Rice before their last meeting. Plus, he was enraged that her mantilla was askew.

Sedevacantists and Archbishop Bugnini, Part 1

Our series continues with the first part of how Archbishop Annibale Bugnini became 100% evil, gave his life to Satan and the Masons, and nearly destroyed the Mass. The following account was recorded from the lips of a silly old hag who shouldn't have access to the internet. In part 2, we shall see all the gory details of Bugnini's destructive power at the Council and beyond and how the inspiration for the "sign of peace" came from a certain monastery in Minnesota.

Before Archbishop Bugnini was sent to Iran for destroying the Mass and practicing Satanic Masonry, he frequently channeled Judas Iscariot from the realm beyond to come up with “creative” “new” ways “to eucharist.” 

[Ed.: Remember, after his suicide, God in his mercy appointed Judas Zombie Patriarch of Elysium and the West Indies and Papal Legate to quasi-Christian communities, i.e. Voodoo peoples. This post has become especially important since Vatican II did away with Limbo. It should be noted that Chief Potowatami was appointed his coadjutor after he died in a raid by the French Jesuits in 1608. Marlon Brando was appointed Vicar General there recently.] 

Of course, Bugnini got into this practice in his boyish days when he would frequent a local witch who would spirit channel St. Jude to speak with him. This witch was also Bugnini’s classics tutor and later became his spiritual director. She directed him to read all about Roman History, especially his namesake, Hannibal. Fearing backlash from the Church for her wicked practices, this witch saw Bugnini’s potential and constantly encouraged him to resurrect Carthaginian paganism. She would frequently remind him that if he wanted to be named after a saint, he would have to destroy the Catholic Church, raise up the old religion of Carthage, make Dido his zombie bride, and use his knowledge of Catholic canonization practices to have Hannibal canonized in the unholy Carthaginian pagan rites of yore. 

[Ed.: These perverse and deviant rituals resemble an Assisi peace conference mixed with an ancient Aztec homoerotic blood ritual.]

Little Bugnini was also encouraged to pursue a career in the Church by his Masonic uncle, Guido Theobaldo and Guido’s third wife, Etheldra.

[Ed.: Etheldra, by the way, was a Jewess of the Cabalist sect and in all likelihood a third cousin of the Kennedies.]

These two consecrated their union during a Black Mass in Rome’s Hebrew ghetto, where the witch channeled Hannibal the Carthaginian into little Bugnini. With Hannibal inside him, Bugnini presided over the ceremony and he remained possessed ever since because the witch’s house work got away from her and she simply forgot to remove the general-spirit from Bugnini. But some say she did it on purpose and this was just her excuse.

To be continued...

Sedevacantists and the Freestanding Altar

We now turn to the third installment of our series. One of the greatest disagreements (if not the greatest) amongst our sedevacantist brethren is who the last pope was and when exactly he ceased to be pope; or perhaps, which conclave it was that produced the antipope. While theories abound online, we offer here the best synthesis we have encountered from the better informed sedevacantist clergy, like Fr. Anthony Cekada. The following account also nicely explains the origin of the freestanding altar.

You want to know why the priest faces the people at Mass now? It has nothing to do with the people's participation and Sacrosanctum Concilium. The real reason is that Pope John XXIII made a bet with the President of the United Methodist Church in America, Ronald Dunesbury. Pope Angelo Roncalli was naturally playful at heart, and so asked Dunesbury to show him some games they played in America. Because Dunesbury was from Tennessee, he bet the Pope that he couldn't chug a whole gallon of milk in half an hour. “Good” Pope John with his great size and girth laughed at this and decided in broken English: “Why don't we make it a little more interesting?” Dunesbury asked for the terms of the wager: If the Methodist lost, Methodist preachers from thenceforth would be forced by Apostolic decree to wear the uniform of the Swiss Guard while preaching. If the Pope lost, all Catholic altars in the world would be turned around like the Methodists' and all Catholic hymnals would be forced to contain at least thirty percent of the hymns of John Wesley, which is true. Roncalli wanting to show off some of the pomp of the Papacy ordered Charlemagne's baptismal font to be filled with milk and brought into the room. From there he ladled exactly one gallon of milk into his triple tiara, while invoking the Holy Spirit's aid. It goes without saying that this ladle was really one of the three silver plated skulls of St. John the Baptist which he only brought out on special occasions, like the Saturnalia and Candlemas, to show off. Of course, like every mortal man, Roncalli lost the bet. Twenty-three minutes into it, he had only finished half the gallon when he signaled for his MC to bring him his golden chamber pot, which was a gift to the Holy See from Ferdinand and Isabella and made from all the gold the Jews left behind when they were expelled from Spain (which wasn't all that much if you think about those people). When he received it, he immediately let fly from the Apostolic gullet a gush of vomit, chicken bones, pasta, latte, and the unconsecrated communion wafers he was constantly snacking on which were the contents of his stomach. At this point, Roncalli abdicated the papal throne and became the first anti-pope in centuries. He also lost his faith at that very moment and started using the Methodist hymnal in his private chapel. That's why the priest faces the people at Mass now.

Sedevacantists and the “Sprit of Vatican II”

We continue with the next installment of our series on what the sedevacantist protestants, especially those who are aged and female, might actually believe. Our next segment tackles the personal history of Fr. Karl Rhaner SJ and seeks to explain why the Vatican II documents are so massive but seemingly say so little. 

Karl Rhaner, the dissenting heretical pseudo-theologian who was a peritus at Vatican II, was really possessed by the restless soul of a slave woman named Nini from the American south. Back in 1869 Nini was lynched by the KKK for being “an uppity negress." Because she was hung from a tree she really hated trees, and saw Rhaner as her way of destroying the rain forest. 

Let me explain. This Titchaba spirit got Rhaner to help produce the most loquacious Council in the history of the Church: Vatican II, printing massive amounts of paper containing things no one cared about and fewer would ever read. Of course, the world will never be the same primarily because so many trees had to be destroyed to produce the massive amount of paper to produce all these boring documents and commentary. To date, 17% of the rain forest has been destroyed to print Vatican II documents. Dignitatis Humanae and the subsistit of Lumen Gentium 8 are responsible for a full 6%. This explains why Vatican II and post-conciliar encyclicals keep getting bigger and bigger, using up more and more paper, but they continue to have less and less substance. 

Titchaba was also the Voodoo high-priestess of the god of nonsense-speak, so now that Rhaner's dead, she resides at Franciscan University of Steubenville in Christ the King Chapel only venturing out across to the auditorium when they have Renewal meetings or Scot Hahn talks so that whenever the charismaniacs there speak in tongues, it's really Titchaba giving forth pagan voodoo curses in her African speak. She also got Stuebie to promote the Theology of the Body because to do natural family planning you have to use a lot of cotton swabs to take the samples. This cotton is Nini's exaltation of her ancient work. Suffice it to say, she really likes aspirin too. Even to this day you can hear NNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEE --------------------NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE --------------------  TITCHA-BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! echoing through the Paul VI audience hall in the Vatican late at night. Nini the Titchaba spirit is the real "spirit of Vatican II."

Ecumenical Dialogue with the Sedevacantists?

Believe it or not, even we here at the EF are open to ecumenical dialogue, at least with certain groups of people whom the post-conciliar church has not always cheerfully welcomed into fellowship. Chief among these are, of course, the Society of Pope Pius X and our Eastern Orthodox brethren. We have also always supported the struggle of those orthodox Anglicans who are now seeking refuge in the Barque of Peter through the various Ordinariates worldwide in their godly effort to maintain sanity in the face of buttface ugly lady-preachers; nevertheless, we have thus far not considered other groups of godly Christian folk who are small in number but great in zeal (although not according to knowledge), commonly called sedevacantists. These conservative protestants need our help, especially because, left to their own devices, their sanctuaries so overflow with ugly and effeminate lace products that one would think that their clergy wear tablecloths instead of albs. The difficulty, however, when trying to dialogue with such persons in the spirit of Christian charity is that, like all protestants, they seem so divided amongst themselves that they cannot offer the world a unified and coherent account of what they actually believe. To remedy such divisiveness, Tancred and I have actually spent quite a bit of time talking to real sedevacantists of all types, both men and women, old and young, but mostly old women, to understand better where they are coming from. We have also spent considerable time putting together their various accounts of the origins of certain post-conciliar novelties and their views of certain churchmen who have played an important rôle in the life of the contemporary Church. This has been a labor of love to help the various sedevacantist protestant groups determine better what they might actually believe.

Over the course of the next two weeks or so, I shall be posting what we believe the authentic sedevacantist positions on various issues and people are in the spirit of rigorous honesty and Christian love. We hope that all our readers consider these claims seriously and do penance that these and all other protestants might recant their errors and return to the bosom of Holy Church whom they have offended by their various errors and stupidities. And because this blog has a special affection and devotion to His Eminence, Princess Roger Michael Cardinal Mahoney, Archbishop of Los Angeles, I thought it fitting to begin with the sedevacantist account of his roots, which find below.

Recently Cardinal Roger Mahoney invited Vladimir Putin to his new Our Lady of the Angels Cathedral in Los Angeles, i.e. the “Raj Mahal.” The purpose of this meeting was to desecrate and purge the relics of St. Vibiana of any dignity or holiness they might yet possess after being under the charge of Princess Roger for so long by a dark and perverse ritual involving their secret Masonic tattoos.

Of course, everybody knows the real reason he's in cahoots with Putin: He really wants to be king of Mexico and he thinks Putin's the man to put him there on the throne of Montazuma. You've all heard of Montazuma's revenge being diahrea? It's not. It's Mahoney: Mahoneyriah. Although this claim to the throne of Mexico may seem absurd coming from an ecclesial prince with an Irish surname, Mahonney has had a team of Mormons putting together his proper genealogy to prove that he has some claim at least to the throne of Mexico. This is what they've come up with. I swear it must be true; I read it in Catholic Family News and Der Spiegel.

You see, according to legend Montazuma sent his daughter to make sweet love to Cortez to divinize his blood line because he thought that Cortez was the Aztec god of the feathered serpent, Cuatzlcoatl. The Cortez-Montazuma bastard which issued forth from that union would one day give Mahoney his special claim to the throne of the heathen Aztecs. During the Mexican American war, the Irish contingent of American soldiers who took offense at the blaspheming of Catholic churches by the heretical protestants in their ranks, in conscience were forced to switch to the Mexican side and were known as the San Patricios. They fought for the one true faith of Jesus. One of the San Patricios, a certain Shemus Mahonney, sired a bastard son with a Flamenco dancer named Maria Theresa Catalina Guadalupe Ascensione Rosario Hernandez, who also had some distant blood relations to the Dukes of Gandia. Shemus didn't escape the charge of treason brought against him by the U.S. army when the war was over. He and all the other San Patricios were hung for treason, but Maria Theresa Catalina Guadalupe Ascensione Rosario Hernandez escaped with Shemus's seed in her belly and took refuge in Belize until she was safe, making her living dancing before British sailors. When it was safe, she returned to her homeland where she raised little Fernando Mahonney as a ranch hand.

Now pay attention because here's where it gets interesting. During the American Civil War, since the whole country was engulfed in bitter fighting, the Monroe doctrine was easily ignored by European powers, and Maximilian II, a Hapsburg (a family which, as we all know, starting with Charles V claimed descent from pious Aeneas himself), captured all of Mexico and made it his own, declaring himself emperor. Like any emperor he took delight in befriending servant girls, and by “befriending,” I mean it in the royal sense of the word. Imperial “befriendment” is equivalent to biblical “knowledge” after all. Maximilian's illegitimate daughter, Sancha de la Cruz von Hapsburg, was a beautiful young lady and by an act of fate or Masonic cunning came to be courted by the slightly older Fernando Mahoney. After Maximilian was deposed Sancha became a milk maid at the same ranch Fernando worked. After a night of drinking on the feast of St. Vibiana they took the classical role "in the hay." Fernando being an honorable man decided to wed Sancha. Their son, Julio Mahonney, ended up marrying the long-forgotten descendent of the Cortex-Montazuma blood line named Rose Maciella Hanlon who having no other nobility in her blood other than Cortez-Montazuma, still at least had a third cousin who grew up with the Kennedies. Their grandson is Roger, Cardinal Prince of Los Angeles and soon to be king of Mexico.

Of course, Mahoney has been promised by the Masons that if he stays faithful to his anti-biblical agenda, he can retire in peace in his own Mexican fiefdom complete with his own anti-Pope, security guards of ninjas, air force, and brothel where he can continue his hedonistic agenda of promoting Cardinal Bernadine as the best thing since Jesus and canonize Che Guavera, Caesar Chavez, and Oscar de la Hoya as saints of New Church.

And then the UNTHINKABLE happens...

The Episcopal "Church" USA is (once again) "enriching" its liturgical books by adding all sorts of people to its liturgical calendar, including Frederick Douglas, Cardinal Newman, Joan of Arc, Elizabeth Ann Seton, Teilhard de Chardin, Thurgood Marshall, Nicholas Copernicus, John Calvin, Harriet Beecher Stowe, J.S. Bach, Charles de Foucauld, and Pope John XXIII. You can read all about it here:

http://www.diobeth.org/Customer-Content/WWW/CMS/files/How_We_Serve/Worship/HolyWomenHolyMen-1.pdf

But the strangest addition is by far G.K. Chesterton, to be commemorated June 13th. I think we can safely assume that if Gilbert were alive today, he would have satirized the malfeasance of many Episcopal clergy, including "Bishop" Schori, and exposed them to public ridicule; nevertheless, in the Augustinian spirit of "gold out of Egypt," let us consider the collect proposed for our dear Gilbert:

O God of earth and altar, who didst give G. K. Chesterton a ready tongue and pen, and inspired him to use them in thy service: Mercifully grant that we may be inspired to witness cheerfully to the hope that is in us; through Jesus Christ our Savior, who liveth and reigneth with thee and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen. (p. 425 of the pdf)

Yours Truly proposes that we turn such liturgical revisionism to an happy issue thus:

O God of earth and altar, who didst give thy servant Gilbert Keith Chesterton a ready wit, a caustic tongue, and a nimble pen, to the extirpation of error and the infatuation of the vain: Mercifully grant that by his prayers and merits we may be inspired to witness cheerfully to the hope that is in us and hear thy laughter in the congregation of the righteous; through Jesus Christ our Savior, who liveth and reigneth with thee and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

Gilbert Keith Chesterton, ora pro nobis (and pray for us too)!

Sick of the Catholic Church?

Why not try Living Waters Ministries of Solomon's Portico instead?

http://youtu.be/grZmXZpWLds

Ist Verboten!

Verborum ac Notionum ac Hominum et Ceterorum Index Prohibitorum:

Abortion
Abuse, especially of children, women, the elderly, and the liturgy
Access
Active participation
Activism
Activist judges
Adele
Adolf von Harnack
Adultery
Advertising
Affirmation
Affirmative action
“Afrocentric” names (e.g. Kenitha, Bunifa, Latifah, Halifah, Sharifa, Jamal, Oranjello, Lemonjello, Jerome, Tyrone, Tyrell, Femalee, Donté etc.)
Agribusiness
Alberto Cutié, a.k.a. “Fr. Oprah”
All you can eat buffets
America, United States of
American “culture”
American “history”
American “literature”
Androphobia
Angela Merkel
Animal rights’ activists
Anne Rice
Anthrax
The Anti-Defamation League
Antipopes
Apostasy
The Arab Spring
Archbishop Bugnini
Artificial anything
Aspartame
Assemblies instead of Congregations
Assisi Conferences
Asymmetrical haircuts
Atheists who (wrongly) think they’re happy
Attorneys
Austrian School of Economics
Autocephaly

Bailouts
Banks
The Beatles
Benjamin Spock
Bill Gates
Birth control
Bishops’ conferences, usually
Bishopesses
Blasphemy
Bob Marley
Bongo drums
Boob jobs
“Born-again” “Christians”
Bowling
Boy bands
Broadway musicals
The Brooklyn Bridge
Bulletin boards
Bullying
Bumper stickers

Cable News Network (CNN)
Californians (but not California)
Capitalism [Tancred notes: This ill-defined term is of great moment for many in the public sector who wish for a Utopian dream world.]
Cardinal Kaspar
Cardinal Law
Cardinal Mahoney
Cartoons
Catullus
Celine Dion
Charismatic Movement
Charles Curran
Che Guevara
Cheap booze
Cheez Whiz
Chicago cronyism
Chick tracts
Child actors
Christopher West
Chuck E. Cheese’s
Cigarettes (pipes and cigars are ok, for men)
Civil rights
Climate change
Clowns
Co-ed anything
Collegeville
Committees
Communion in the hand
Communism
Concelebration
Concubinage
Conspiracies
“Contemporary” “English”
Contraception
Conventions
Converse All Stars
Cool Whip
Corporatism
Country “music”
“Courtship” instead of “dating”
Cravats
Crystals

Dan Brown novels
David Cameron
David Haas
Debates
Decimal Currency
Delilah Rene (that stupid bitch on the radio)
Democracy
The Democratic Party
Demonstrations
Denim
Descriptive Grammar
Desecration
Dialogue
Dick and Jane Method
Disobedient children
Dissent
Diversity
Divination
Divorce
Dog Shit
Drag Shows
Dreadlocks, at least on white people
Drug Abuse Resistance Education
Dual Covenant Theology
Dungeons and Dragons

Eagles Wings
Ear wax
Ebonics

École Normale Supérieure

Ecumenism

Egalitarianism
Elections
Elvis Impersonators
Environment and Art in Catholic Worship
Equality
Error
Eucharistic Prayers, newly composed
The Euro
The European Union
Ex-priests
Extraordinary ministers of Holy Communion

Fast food
Fat people
Febreze
Female clergy
Feminism
Folk music in church
Fornication
Fox News
Fraternities (but not the Fraternity)
Free-verse poetry, Elliot excepted
The French Revolution
Free Masonry
Free-standing altars in Western churches
Free trade
Freedom
French police in riot gear
Fundraisers

Gambling
Gas-guzzling SUVs
Gather Us In
Gay marriage
Gay sex
Gender balance
Gender identity
Gender studies
General intercessions
Global warming
Golf
Good Friday Prayer for the Jews, 1970
Gossip columnists
Government statistics
Graduate Record Examinations
Greek life
The Gregorian Institute of America
Guitars
Gynarchy
Gynergy

Haikus
Hamburger Helper
Hans Küng
Harley Davidsons
Harvard University
Health insurance companies
Hedonism
Here I am, Lord
Heresy
Heterodoxy
High school bands
Hip-hop
Hipsters
Historical critical method
Hitler
Hollywood
Homeopathy
Homilies instead of Sermons
Horoscopes
(For women:) How bad your last relationship was
(For undergraduates:) How drunk you were last night
Hugo Chávez
Human Rights Commissions
Hymns at Mass

Iconoclasm
Identity Politics
IKEA
Immigration
Imperialism
Improper grammar (e.g. “between you and I)
Inclusion
Inclusive language
Inculturation
Insubordination
The Internal Revenue Service
International Commission on English in the Liturgy
Internet dating websites
Inter-religious dialogue
Involvement
Ipods
Islam, radical or otherwise
The Israeli occupation of Palestine

Jackson Pollock
James Pike
Jazz
Jazzercise
Jeans
Jennifer Granholm
Jerry Springer
Jesuits, St. Louis and otherwise
Jesuit Psalter
The Jesus Seminar
Joan Chittister
John Calvin
John Shelby Spong
Justin Bieber (especially his haircuts)

Karl Rahner
Katharine Schori
The Kennedies
The Ku Klux Klan

Lady Gaga
Lawyers
Leadership Conference of Women Religious
The Left Behind Series
The Legion of Christ
Lensless glasses
Lesbianism
Liberalism
Libertarianism
Liberty
Lists
Litter Boxes
Liturgical Revision
Liturgists
The loss of the pronoun whom
The loss of the subjunctive
The lottery
Lutheranism

Margaret Sanger
Marijuana
Mark Zuckerberg
Martin Luther
Matriarchy
Marty Haugen
Marxism
Meat on Fridays
The media
Medjugorje
Megachurches
The Message
Meta-narratives
Methodism
Military-Industrial Complex
Miniskirts
Mixed Choirs
“Modern” “Art”
Modernism
Monster truck rallies
Montel Williams
Mormonism
Mothers who fail to breastfeed
Mullets
Music, post-1900

Neo-cons
Neo-liberal Economics
New age shit
New International Version
New York City
New Yorkers
Nightclubs
The 1960s and ‘70s
Nintendo
No Child Left Behind Act
North American Free Trade Agreement
Nose rings
Notre Dame University
The Novus Ordo
Nuns in business suits

One Direction
One size fits all
Open theism
Operah Winfrey
Oregon Catholic Press
Organic pet food

Pacifists
The Packers
Paganism, Neo- and otherwise
Paper napkins
Parents who don’t care
Partially hydrogenated oils
The “Peace Prayer” wrongly attributed to St. Francis
Peace signs
Pentecostalism
People We Don’t Like
Petitions, especially online
Pets
Pilates
Pianos instead of harpsichords
Piercings on men
Pink
Pius X Psalter
Planned Parenthood
Political correctness
Pollution
Poncho chasubles
Ponytails on men, especially clergy
Pope Paul VI
Pornography
Post-modernism
Praise and worship music
Pray Tell Blog
President Bush
President Obama
Presiders and their Captain Kirk chairs
Pretentiousness
Pride parades
Priestesses
Prince Charles
Princess Diana
Professional athletes
Projection screens in churches
Prom
Pornography
Property rights
Protestantism
Protests
Psalm tone propers
Psychics
Psychology

Quantitative Assessments
Queer
Questioning
Quotas

Racism
Rainbow flags
Rainbow stoles
Rap
The Rapture
RCIA directors
Refrain glorias
The Republican Party
Republicanism
Responsorial psalms
Revolution
Rice-A-Roni
Richard Dawkins
Rights
Rock concerts
Rock ‘n’ roll
Role playing games
Rowan Williams
Rush Limbaugh
Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Sacrilege
Sarah Palin
Saxophones
Scented candles
Scholastic gibberish
Seances
SeaWorld
Secularism
Sedevacantists
Self-gift
Self-narratives
Self-possession
Sex, most of the time
Sex education
Sex reassignment surgery
Sexting
Sexual assault
Sexually transmitted infections
Shag carpeting
Shake ‘n Bake
Shopping malls
Shortshorts
Sign of peace
Sin
Six-day creationism
Smart drinks
Soap operas
Soccer moms
Sociology
Sodomy
Sororities
Southern Baptist Convention
Southern Poverty Law Center
Speaking in tongues
The Spice Girls
Spirituality
Sports
Stalin
Star Trek
Star Wars
The Statue of Liberty (i.e. That Idol of a French Whore)
Steve Jobs
Stoles worn over chasubles
Stupid people
The Supreme Court
Sustainability

Taliban
Tarot cards
Tattoos (a.k.a. “tramp stamps”)
The Tea Party, but not tea simply
Televangelists
Television
Texting
Therapy
Think-tanks
The three-year lectionary
Tolerance
Toleration
Toupées
Trailer parks
Transgendered
Transvestites
Trousers on women

Ugly people
Ugly tabernacles
Underwater Mongolian basket weaving
United Nations
Urban sprawl

Vampire novels
Vandalism
Vatican II
Vegetarianism
Veganism
Versus populum
Viagra
Vice
Violence

Walmart
Walt Disney
Wall Street
Washington DC
Welfare dependency
Whiggery
Witchcraft
Witches
Wombforce
Women’s ordination
Women who drive and talk on the phone at the same time
Womynist identities
World Council of Churches
World Youth Day
Wrestling, professional
Written constitutions

Xylophones

Yankee cuisine
Yankee foreign policy
Yard signs
Yoga
Your face
Your feelings (mine are ok)
Your happiness (and mine too)
Your Mom